A loft bed lament

Simone Anne Lang/File

We’re pretty sure everyone who sleeps on the loft bed or top bunk of his or her UC Berkeley triple has fallen out of the bed at least once. So in case you think you’re a graceful, mature adult, please keep this article handy to remind you of the experiences that we top-bunk sleepers all share. (Sorry, bottom bunkers. You’ll have to bemoan the fact that everyone uses your bed as a communal couch another time.)

You have a very specific, very risky way of climbing onto your bed.

Clambering from your desk chair up the frame’s side rungs, standing on your desk and vaulting yourself over onto the mattress and using the dresser for assistance are all valid methods of getting in and out of your pillow nest. An especially unique approach is the “window to the wall” maneuver, in which you step up onto the windowsill, hold onto the wall for support and pray that whoever’s on the ground outside doesn’t see how ridiculous you look. It’s a process, people.

The ladder has been moved from “practical location” to “wherever it doesn’t get in the way.”

By “wherever it doesn’t get in the way,” you mean “the inside of your closet,” because you’re an adult and ladders are obviously for children. You’ve developed a method and it works well enough, however destructive to your bed frame, possessions and body it may be. You may not be Peter Parker, but you’re going to Spider-Man your way up to bed even if it kills you or breaks your ankle or knocks over everything on your desk. Material objects have no value in comparison to the sweet allure of sleep, anyway.

Getting down is always a gamble.

So you’ve mastered the art of going up — but are you as graceful when you’re going in the opposite direction? Apparently not. You’re one of two types: those who pick and weave their way down from the bunk like a first-time climber going down Mt. Everest, or those who leap down like a lemming off a cliff and land like a lead-weighted elephant on Jupiter. In either situation, please don’t make the mistake of wearing socks while trying to get out of bed. You need all the traction you can get.

Getting in and out of bed is a conscious decision that requires long thought — and acrobatics.

Gone are the days when you could casually flop into bed and roll out of it without a care. Now, leaving anything down on the ground or on your desk requires you to parkour up the furniture like a freakishly domestic mountain goat. The obvious solution to this problem is laziness to the point of peril. Instead of going down the ladder, you stretch over the sides of the railings in a dangerous imitation of Elastigirl, which is totally normal adult behavior (you whisper this to yourself as you hang suspended over the side of the bed, reaching in vain for the bag of Takis on your desk).

You can’t go to bed late at night, because the bed’s creaking objections to your climb will wake up your roommates.

We’re not generally ones to tell people to just give up, but staring plaintively up at your unattainable bed isn’t going to muffle the inhuman screeching of the frame as you struggle up the sides. So — give up. Go grab your blanket and sleep in the lounge. That crusty sofa may not be comfortable, but hey, at least you can get into it without risking bodily injury.

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].