Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the greater half of the past century, there’s a good chance you know at least a little bit about Disney princesses. These iconic female characters are part of timeless stories that enthralled us as children and still excite us now. Given our still uncontained levels of childish excitement whenever we watch “Lilo & Stitch” on Netflix, we can’t help but wonder: What if these princesses were real? And what if they were college students, say at UC Berkeley? We at the Clog took a minute to think about what their lives would be like if they spent their days walking by the Campanile instead of Sleeping Beauty Castle.
As a junior living for a second year in the Wolf House co-op, Pocahontas has a life she’s comfortable with — weekend hikes through Tilden Park, a halfway-completed degree in sustainable environmental design and a vice presidential position on the Intertribal Student Council. When John Smith shows up to her co-op’s first open party of the semester, he seems like a total fish out of water, especially considering that her co-op and the fraternity down the street that he’s pledging have had an increasingly hostile prank war that’s spanned several semesters. However, the two form an unlikely bond and manage to put an end to the rivalry before it gets completely out of hand.
It wouldn’t be outlandish to suggest that Belle basically lives in Doe Library. As a double major in English and comparative literature, she has a lot of reading on her plate — not that she minds much. Preparing for a master’s program on top of completing two degrees doesn’t leave her much spare time, but she’s managed lately to fit in a new beau. Her friends are at first concerned — they’ve never exactly met the guy and he has a reputation for having a bit of a temper. But his housemates confirm that everything is going fine so far. She’s helped him to calm down a bit, and — to the chagrin and trauma of his housemates — the two apparently get it on like animals.
Between her two work study jobs at the Student Store and Cal Dining — and her double major in biology and nutritional science — Tiana doesn’t get much sleep. Putting herself through college means her priorities are getting the grades she needs for medical school and minimizing her student loans. Her social life basically consists of her childhood friend Charlotte dragging her to the occasional sorority invite, and it’s at one of these invite parties that she meets the cocky Naveen. The two start off at odds with one another, but when they end up as lab partners in Biology 1A, sparks somehow begin to fly over problem sets and frog dissections.
Unless you live with her, there’s a solid 99 percent chance you’ve never met Princess Aurora, considering you know her mostly as that empty seat next to you in the lecture hall during your society and environment 8 a.m. lecture. We’re not really sure if she’s a narcoleptic or just seriously not a morning person, but she’s that girl in your class who you’re pretty sure hasn’t made it to lecture once since the semester started. She still manages to waltz into the midterm just on time, however, ace it, destroy the curve and live happily ever after. Her dream is to start a Talking To Squirrels DeCal before she graduates — but it’s a little difficult considering she’s always asleep.
Ariel’s father didn’t want her partying in college, but she couldn’t resist the allure of campus nightlife when she first arrived for her first year. Despite still living in Piedmont with her dad, she snuck out one night during Welcome Week to meet her friends at a fraternity party, where she promptly fell head-over-heels for Eric, the fraternity president. Excited by the possibility of Greek life and determined to be a part of his world, she signed up for Panhellenic Fall Formal Recruitment against her father’s wishes. The week of recruitment was rough — Ariel even lost her voice — but she ended up joining a chapter she loved and got together with Eric at an exchange with his fraternity. And after her father saw how happy she was in her new sisterhood, he couldn’t help but give her his blessing to move into her sorority house. Now that she’s settled in this new life, she splits her time between her new sisters and the women’s swim team. She’s thinking about declaring a major in sociology because she wants to be where the people are.
Merida’s all about personal freedom — that’s why she chose to pursue a degree in interdisciplinary studies. She finds it much more appealing to design her own major than to force herself into the institutional limits of a pre-established program. When she’s not in class, you can usually find her preparing her next lesson for the Archery DeCal or adventuring off-campus with the UC Berkeley Equestrian Team. Merida doesn’t want to think about the future or post-grad life just yet. She doesn’t exactly have a reputation for making thoughtful, educated decisions about things like that — after all, she only decided to attend UC Berkeley over her other choices because her favorite animal is a bear.
A skilled athlete and the daughter of a former Cal football player, Mulan desperately wanted to do something to help return the failing football team to its former glory. So naturally, she cut her hair, put on tons of padding and showed up to walk-on tryouts where she nabbed a spot as a kicker. While the coach attempted to kick Mulan off the team after finding out she was a girl, a string of unlucky injuries on the team meant she was the only kicker available for the Big Game. In a triumphant moment that made her father proud, Mulan kicked a field goal in overtime to win Cal the Axe for the first time in several years. The campus is commissioning a new statue in her honor, to be placed next to the one of Pappy Waldorf on Faculty Glade. When she’s not busy being a campus-wide figure and a national hero, Mulan enjoys auditing gender and women’s studies classes and smashing the patriarchy.
Contact Kelsi Krandel at [email protected].