Actionable phrases for your resume

Joe Wright /File

We at the Clog recently came to the realization that we’d like to be employed after we leave the academic womb. So, since being jaw-achingly hilarious isn’t a marketable skill, we’ve been trying to beef up our resumes lately — you know, without actually leaving the house. Here are some of the key phrases we’ve been using to market our unmarketable skills. Adapt them to your own purposes — or don’t. Our job search has already taught us how to handle rejection.

Experience

  • Walked through Sproul twice without being flyered
  • Found a seat in Main Stacks during finals
  • Consistently finds seat by outlets at Caffe Strada
  • Only tripped over shoelaces while walking up a hill once (or twice)
  • Skilled at holding awkward conversations with superiors in a work environment

Skills

  • Can fight uphill battles: Walk from Memorial Glade to North Gate at least twice a week
  • Ready to embrace challenge: Taking our Physical Science breadth requirement for a letter grade
  • Skilled negotiator: Routinely bargain with our Political Science 1 GSI for a higher essay grade
  • Deadline-oriented: Can finish (and start) an essay three hours before its due date
  • Excellent at time management: Experts at factoring in Berkeley time so as to leave the house as late as possible
  • Problem solver: Always manage to find seats in the new Student Union, no matter how crowded it looks
  • Loyal: Drink boba at Sweetheart Cafe exclusively, regardless of inconvenience

References

  • Our mother once said, and we quote, we were “adequate”
  • One time a lady complimented our Birkenstocks
  • The cashiers at Sam’s Market always joke with us so we can’t be too terrible
  • Our significant other consistently walks from Northside to Southside for us so that has to mean something, right?
  • Our boss has never really complained about us (he’s never complimented us either but that’s irrelevant)
  • The barista at Cafe Milano knows our order by heart
  • Our roommate said we were a “connoisseur of Netflix and chill”

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].