If the Avengers went to UC Berkeley

Willow Yang/Staff

People come from all over the world to go to UC Berkeley. UC Berkeley boasts Nobel Prize winners, technology company tycoons, Star Trek captains, musicians and more. It’s not so crazy to assume that if the Avengers were college-aged, the number-one public defenders in the world would want to come to the number-one public university in the world. We at the Clog decided to sit down and figure out what the Avengers would be doing if they went here.

Steve Rogers (Captain America)

A fifth-year super-senior, Steve Rogers was three years into a political science major when he became disillusioned by the world of politics and decided to switch into peace and conflict studies. His desire to change the world for the better and stand up for the little guys inspired him to run for ASUC student body president. He spends his summers volunteering in an anti-bullying program for local elementary school students and looks out for other UC Berkeley students as a nighttime Bear Walker. Combined with his impressive academic record and a position as star discus thrower on the track team, these responsibilities might make one think that Steve’s frozen himself into a hectic schedule that allows him no relaxation. But he still manages to make time to cut a rug at Lindy On Sproul every Saturday afternoon with his best friends Peggy, Bucky and Sam, and will always stop to ask how your day is going.

Natasha Romanov (Black Widow)

Nobody’s really sure if Natasha Romanov is actually the sophomore she claims to be or just a really young looking GSI. She definitely has the gravitas for the role, as well as the authority. As a member of the women’s gymnastics team and a teacher for two of the kickboxing classes at the RSF, Natasha could take any Bear down (even a real one) without a second thought. Though involved, she’s undoubtedly an introvert. The only people who she has ever invited to hang out at her quiet apartment on Northside are her best friend from high school, Clint (everyone suspects that she’s dating him, but nobody has the courage to ask her), and her psychology classmate, Wanda Maximoff. And although her major in sociology and minor in Russian means that she can read people and communicate with them well, her fierce resting bitch face means that nobody on Sproul has ever dared to approach her with a sign-up sheet or flyer.

Tony Stark (Iron Man)

You know those people who never show up to class, never do the homework and never study, but manage to show up on the day of the final and blast everyone out of the way with their frustratingly prodigious curve-setting abilities? That’s Tony Stark for you. A senior boasting (literally) an astounding triple major in mechanical engineering, business administration and EECS, he’s already managed to found a wildly successful start-up centered around JARVIS, a virtual assistant app he developed as a high-schooler. He has donated a lot of the money he made to his notoriously rowdy fraternity, which has had a 357 percent annual increase in alcohol-related accidents since he first joined three years ago. Despite the fact that he’s a well established prankster on campus — he was the reason behind the fire alarm in VLSB during the computer science midterm last month and is also why AirBears2 is constantly going down — Tony’s managed to maintain a two-year relationship with Pepper Potts, a fiery business administration major whose biggest secret is how she manages to put up with him.

Bruce Banner (Hulk)

Self-effacing junior transfer Bruce Banner is still amazed that he was able to get into UC Berkeley. He shouldn’t be so shocked. Before coming to campus, he held a position as a research assistant in a laboratory working with gamma radiation, took a year off and backpacked through Calcutta and managed to overcome anger issues he’d been battling since adolescence. Since arriving at UC Berkeley, Bruce has decided to pursue his passions for science through two majors: Molecular and cellular biology, with a concentration in biochemistry and molecular biology, and physics. He has also gotten involved in raising awareness about mental health as a member of You Mean More and works in the counseling center at University Health Services. Bruce’s favorite quiet study places include Doe Library, Hearst Mining Circle and the top of the Campanile.  He may seem like he has it all together, but when the stress gets to be too much, he and his classmate Tony get together to blow things up in one of the many science labs on campus. They do this carefully, of course. Last time, the reaction turned his skin green for a week.

Clint Barton (Hawkeye)

Clint Barton is a functional mess and a still-undeclared junior who is pointedly ignoring the emails from his advisor telling him that he needs to declare right now. He’s concentrating instead on his job as an RA in Unit 1. Not only does he get to save money on housing, he’s also realized that he’s weirdly good at comforting stressed-out freshmen. Plus, the fact that he has a single means that nobody knows about his pizza addiction or illegal pet hamster. Clint’s closest friends include his varsity archery teammates, who affectionately refer to him as “Hawkeye,” and Natasha Romanov.  He swears he has a long-term girlfriend back home in the Midwest, but nobody seems to believe him. Clint also likes playing darts with Tony Stark, mainly because he always wins. But it does unnerve him that Tony always threatens to email the pictures of that time Clint got drunk and ended up on the top of the Campanile in the Oski suit to all emails ending in berkeley.edu.

Thor

Despite the fact that he’s in his fourth and final year at UC Berkeley as an international student from Norway, Thor Odinson still gets incredibly excited by American customs. He’s especially enthralled by football — even after two years of playing as the starting quarterback for the Bears. He’s almost always at the RSF, benching a superhuman amount of weight. Thor’s zeal for all things Berkeley has also spilled over into the Rally Committee. His thunderous voice has become a common sound at school spirit events, although it’s sometimes difficult to decipher his thick accent through the loudspeaker. When he’s not on the field or manning the mic, Thor is working hard at his major in history and minor in social welfare. He can often be found in Crossroads recounting stories about Norway to a flock of freshmen who are more than happy to grant him their extra meal points. On Sproul, he tries unsuccessfully to refuse offers of flyers and often ends up on the mailing list for twenty or more clubs.

Wanda Maximoff (Scarlet Witch)

An intended psychology major with a minor in cognitive science, the adorably punk-grunge Wanda Maximoff is a freshman in the College of Letters and Science. She and her twin brother, Pietro, moved here from Romania right before their senior year of high school. She hasn’t had much contact with him since he went off to Stanford (she jokes that he’s dead to her now). Though people get a standoffish vibe from Wanda, she’s really just shy. She’s too nervous to join any clubs, and avoids the crowds on Sproul like they’re a ticking time bomb. She’s working on her people skills, though. She snagged a job down at Amoeba Records and has quickly become known for blasting Nirvana over the store’s speakers. When she’s not working, you can find her sipping on hot tea and people watching in Tivoli Caffe, or searching for her next find in local thrift stores. She’s looking for something scarlet.

Sam Wilson (Falcon)

Sam Wilson doesn’t know how he managed to become roommates with Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, but he’s pretty sure it’s partially due to his uncanny ability to find the most random food at Berkeley Bowl and turn it into one of the best breakfasts in the Bay Area. One time he made omelettes out of bok choy, and even he doesn’t know how it happened. A friendly junior majoring in education and minoring in media studies, Sam took Astronomy C10 last year and enjoyed it a lot more than he thought he would. He’s actually considering switching to a different major and pursuing a career in aerospace engineering. Currently, he’s taking a DeCal called Learn To Fly: Private Pilot School to test out the waters, er, skies. Sam loves being at UC Berkeley, but he’s never understood the campus’s fascination with squirrels. He harbors a deep loathing for them and hates it when they steal food from the pigeons on Sproul.

Contact Taylor Follett at [email protected]. and Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].