1,738 students check into Tang Eye Center after bout of Berkeley Goggles

Ken Teegardin/Creative Commons

Leagues of students have recently checked into Tang Eye Center after realizing that their ability to see clearly has been impaired. Surprisingly, all of these undergraduates have been diagnosed with the same eye disorder — a condition unique to university campuses. Scientists have identified this eye disorder as “Berkeley Goggles.”

Berkeley Goggles, once identified as a visual impairment that makes Berkeley students look more attractive than they really are, was recently redefined as a disorder emanating from the excess of eye strain from college life at the world’s number one public university. UC Berkeley’s laser-beam focus on academics has far-reaching symptoms beyond incessantly swiping left on Tinder.

Junior and English major Farrah Wap said her vision notably worsened throughout her time at UC Berkeley. At her recent visit to the center, her optometrist told her she now has vision acuity of 20/200.

“In the beginning of the semester, I thought my 20 unit schedule looked fine because of what I know now are Berkeley Goggles. Now, I can see with my new prescription that my upper division workload is just not cute. Not cute at all,” Wap said.  

But Wap is not alone.  

Remy Boyd is a freshman who has just been diagnosed with Berkeley Goggles. His eyes are bleary from his first round of midterms. He laments that his Berkeley Goggles have deprived him of any ability to see beyond his coursework.

“With my Berkeley Goggles, all I can see is the work I have to do,” Boyd explained. “I can’t even think about dating, let alone having a social life. I just want to make it to the end of this semester.”

Professor Berzerks of the UC Berkeley School of Optometry has attributed a majority of the symptoms of Berkeley Goggles to the hundreds of hours students spend binge-watching Netflix and completing rigorous assigned reading. In a recent study, he found that students with the worst cases of Berkeley Goggles tend to be the ones in the back of Pimentel craning their necks to see the notes on the board. In his study’s recommendations, Berzerks urges students to lay off hours of scrolling through their Instagram, Twitter and Facebook feeds in bed before going to sleep. He cautions that the bright screen light from cellphones will burn off students’ eyeballs within the next 17 to 38 years unless they adopt his recommendations.  

“I must say that professors are to blame here as well,” Berzerks commented. “Our midterms are causing students to scan BCourses on their computers for hours in the dark, and this is a direct cause of Berkeley Goggles. Considering Berkeley Goggles may lead to early-onset, irreversible blindness, these professors should be held accountable.”

Other campuses have been hit by this epidemic as well. Within the last two weeks, 2,015 students enrolled in fellow University of California colleges have checked into their local vision centers. UC Merced’s “Bobcat Eyes” and UC San Diego’s “Triton Eyes” are cited variations of Berkeley Goggles local optometrists have discovered thus far. Affected UC students are planning to host a self-help group and eye disorder convention this November. It will be located in Wheeler Auditorium, and is open to all students across the UC system.  

On the home front, UC Berkeley students are trying to lobby the ASUC for compensation over their loss of sight. Students are gathering in droves to sign the “Goodbye Goggles, Hello Google” petition. This petition demands that the university subsidize the purchase of Google Glass for every student afflicted with Berkeley Goggles. The ASUC has yet to respond to the bill, but students are not giving up any time soon.

Professor Berzerks has vocalized his support of this bill.

“I’m incredibly proud of the UC Berkeley student body for their continued demands for reparation. Although the university has not responded to their very just demands, I encourage them to keep their eyes on the prize,” he said.

Although this article is satire, we at the Clog would really prefer if our professors assigned less homework — or Berkeley Goggles might actually become real.

Contact Abigail Balingit at [email protected].