Rankings in which we wish we were No. 1

Arya Aliabadi/File

UC Berkeley: the No. 1 public university in the world. If you’re still not tired of letting everyone know this, your friends want us to tell you to shut up about it. But we all know being the No. 1 public university isn’t everything. Like literally, these rankings don’t even include every college. So here’s a list of other things we wish we could be No. 1 in:

College football rankings

High school football rankings?

Malia Obama’s college list

Best beer pong snapchats

Professor attractiveness

Fewest awkward massages per capita

Universities east of the prime meridian

Universities in Northern California

Passive bike riding

Fields that aren’t closed for renovation

Musically talented religious organizations

Edgy PowerPoint presentations

Student activism

Total appreciative finger snaps per English course

Unique local businesses

Fewest business students

Equitable student to faculty ratio

Equitable fraternity entrance ratio

Water conservation

Wasteful usage of inebriates on Tuesday evenings

Orderly restrooms

Just restrooms in general

Craft brews per bar

Bars with an understaffed downstairs


Nonjudgemental Uber drivers

Donations to this author

Contact Ismael Farooqui at [email protected].