As UC Berkeley students, we’re all contractually obligated to overload ourselves with responsibilities to the point where we’re less human than we’re shivering, weeping lumps of cortisol. (Sorry, but we did tell you to read the fine print on the SIR.) In order to expedite the process by which we all eventually spontaneously combust because of a potent combination of stress hormones and caffeine in our blood, we at the Clog would like to issue a reminder that November is National Novel Writing Month.
Therefore, as a high-achieving UC Berkeley student, you’re required to produce at least one bestselling novel in order to fulfill your stress requirements for graduation. As your friendly neighborhood independent student newspaper humor blog, the Clog is here with a list of ideas you can use to jumpstart those writerly brain cells into producing the next Harry Potter (or at least the next Twilight) by the end of this month. Just remember, you have 20 days to write 50,000 words — that’s 2,500 words a day. Don’t worry if it seems like a lot, just think back to that time you wrote a 15 page research paper in the four hours before it was due. Easy as that extra class you decided to take to boost your GPA.
“Love At First Bite”
A tragic romance novel detailing the ill-fated love of a peckish UC Berkeley student and the Golden Bear Cafe’s irresistible chicken strips. The connection between intrepid paramour and lightly breaded fowl was undeniably strong — the young lover would wait for his chicken even if it meant missing the first 10 minutes of midterm review or even the midterm itself. But their love couldn’t survive the GBC’s landmark decision to stop serving the strips, leaving our protagonist heartbroken. A heart-wrenching tale of the foolish innocence of love that might leave your readers hungry for more of your writing, but will definitely leave them hungry for chicken strips.
“And Then There Was None of the Food I Left Here”
A detective novel investigating the strange disappearances of labeled food in the communal fridge. Was it Arthur huddled in the door of the fridge with a spoon, Agatha in the back of the living room with a fork or Edgar hiding in his room just demolishing the leftovers with his bare hands, the animal? This is a whodunit story that will have your readers on the edge of their seats as they try to deduce who the perpetrator of this horrible crime is before they can strike again. (Spoiler alert: It turns out it’s the protagonist, who just forgot she ate the food last night.)
“It Came From the Fraternity Carpet”
A mashup between science fiction and horror that could compete with the works of Stephen King himself. Using the knowledge you’ve gleaned from sleeping through organic chemistry lectures, construct a grotesque narrative about the strange wetness on the floor of every frat party gaining sentience and wreaking havoc upon the campus. You have the power to disgust and enthrall your readers with descriptions of how many generations of jungle juice coagulated to form this unholy creature and just how many carpet fibers have come together to create its wild mane. You also can make your STEM friends read it and laugh at how horrified they are at your novel’s wild scientific inaccuracies, which is less cool but a lot more satisfying.
“Journey to the Center of Dwinelle”
An adventure novel following the exploits of a sleep-deprived student who really just wants to get to his club meeting on time and then go home. To his despair, he instead finds himself wandering aimlessly throughout Dwinelle’s twisted halls. Just when he thinks he can’t take another step, 13 GSIs emerge from the rooms surrounding him, and through a series of courageous exploits involving stairs, broken elevators and the power of friendship, the student arrives at the club meeting a changed man. The tale follows a tried-and-true coming of age trope that will win over the heart, mind and sense of direction of any reader.
“The Sound and the Furry”
A 150,000 word Oski fanfiction. That’s all.
Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].