Disclaimer: This article is purely fictional, satirical and meant to make you giggle.
In the lead-up to the Democratic primaries, leading candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Rodham Clinton have attempted to distance themselves from the pack. Over the past month, a local UC Berkeley Democrat group decided to run a few surveys to profile supporters of both Clinton and Sanders to better understand the candidates’ bases. We at the Clog spoke to the supervisor of the survey, campus sophomore Rich Tater.
“Basically, we were curious to learn what kinds of people the leading Democratic candidates were appealing to,” Tater said. “We conducted several thorough surveys of distinct populations at UC Berkeley, from fraternity pledges to various ethnic business associations. We even surveyed the UC Berkeley Republicans for shits and giggles. And I tell you, there were far more giggles.”
A report after the completion of the survey was released over the weekend. It found that among other things, Sanders supporters were more likely to know the difference between landfill and compost as compared with supporters of any other candidate. Supporters of Clinton, however, were more likely to express disapproval over segregating different types of trash, because of a belief it created “unnecessary divisions in our society.” Nevertheless, the report included an anecdote where an irate Sanders supporter correctly disposed of his questionnaire into the recycling bin.
“It was an amazing site to behold. This guy was furious over ‘perceived bias in our methodology’ and just got so fed up that he hurled our questionnaire in the trash,” Tater explained. “And yet, he was still environmentally conscious enough to remove the plastic binding and dispose of it in the landfill bin, while leaving the paper for recycling. Amazing!”
The survey also highlighted several other distinct features of the Democratic base. Fraternity pledges were three times as likely to have purchased a tank top with their candidate of choice’s face on it as compared with the average population. Meanwhile, supporters of recent dropout, Lincoln Chafee, were twice as likely to have owned a Lincoln Town Car at one point in their life. Unfortunately for Martin O’Malley, most of his supporters incorrectly believed he was the creator of the critically acclaimed TV show “The Wire.”
A Sanders supporter, on the condition she could go by the alias Ina Quality, had the following to say about Sanders’ base.
“Bern supporters are from all walks of life. He has supporters from any race, creed, class, privilege, major, astrology sign and birthstone. It’s a revolution, baby, even if Bern looks like he could be the older brother of 43 out of 44 of our previous presidents,” Quality said.
Others were not quite as enthusiastic as Quality. One supporter of Clinton argued that this nation was in need of real change, which Sanders would be unable to provide.
“Listen, listen, I get it. Feel the Bern. He’s a cool hippie from Vermont. But do you really think things will be that different. Vote Clinton, she’s the real change. She looks like she could be the older sister of 43 out of 44 of our previous presidents,” the supporter said.
Contact Ismael Farooqui at [email protected].