If James Bond was actually realistic, relevant in 2015

Dolce Lopez/Staff

After watching Spectre, which is now the first and only James Bond movie that I’ve seen, I was bothered by how unrealistic, and quite frankly ridiculous, some aspects of an otherwise brilliant film were. Here’s a short list of situations that the writers can include for their next film. These situations are, perhaps, geared a bit more toward reality and have a greater relevance to modern culture.

1. Bond enters a room; someone points a gun at him:

“Wait!” he says. “Are those the new Yeezy Boosts?”

The two agents bond over their love of cool sneakers, retire together and follow their dream of becoming streetwear fashion bloggers.

2. Bond is captured by his new nemesis, Yolanda, a jaded hipster millennial who went to university in the late 2000s.

“Go ahead, give me your worst shot,” Bond spits. “You won’t get anything from me.”

She cackles and presses a small button. The introduction to Neon Indian’s sophomore album begins playing. Bond tells her everything.

3. Bond walks up to the bar.

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender.

“Do you guys serve lemon juice with paprika and cinnamon mixed inside? I’m on a two-week cleanse,” Bond sheepishly asks.

4. Bond is fighting with an assailant at the local Chinese restaurant. They stumble into the kitchen. Bond grabs a plate of sauteed garlic green beans and chucks it at the enemy. The enemy turns out to have a deadly allergy to green beans and falls screaming to the floor as boils begin to cover his face.

5. Bond confronts the movie’s villain, whose hand is hovering threateningly over a big red button.

“Don’t set off the bomb! Do you know how hard it is to get dust out of cashmere?” Bond says, while pointing a finger at his luxe Comme des Garcons v-neck sweater.

“Too tru,” the villain replies, moving his hand away from the detonator.

6. Bond walks into a menswear store in Belize. He goes up to the register, credit card in one hand, handful of designer clothes in the other. His card is declined.

“Maybe you should try Sears,” says the cashier.
 

7. Bond enters the secret base, where the computer nerd has been toiling away on MI6’s supercomputer.

“We’ve located the enemy’s hideout,” the nerd announces triumphantly.

“How’d you find them so quickly?” Bond asks incredulously.

“We followed them on Instagram and looked up their most recent geotags,” the nerd replies, with a smirk on his face.

8. Bond walks into the briefing room in HQ. He’s surrounded by his coworkers and various former lovers. They each have small envelopes in their hand.

“What’s going on?” Bond asks, taken aback by all the familiar faces.

Some people in the crowd are crying. Others are shuffling their feet, eyes fixed on the ground. His boss steps forward and slowly takes out the letter from the envelope.

“James, this is an intervention,” he reads. “You’re not the same when you drink, James. We’ve talked about treatment before, but today’s different.”

9. Bond, surprisingly, struck out with the woman at the bar last night. Distraught and with his self-esteem now in shambles, Bond takes out a small Dust Devil and presses it to his neck. A red blotch forms.

The next day, his assistant notices the mark and asks him what happened.

“You know I don’t kiss and tell,” Bond winks.

He goes to the bathroom and hides in the second stall. A single tear forms in the corner of his eye.

10. Bond raises his gun, the sight fixed on his next target. His cellphone goes off.

The bellowing voice of rapper 2 Chainz begins playing: “My favorite dish is turkey lasagna / Even my pajamas designer.”

Bond curses to himself as his target escapes. He forgot to silence it. Rookie mistake.

Josh Gu covers video games. Contact him at [email protected].