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50 thoughts on an airplane

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DECEMBER 29, 2015

While on a plane, we’re surrounded by 300 strangers who are also 35,000 feet above the ground in a tiny chair with little legroom and no Internet access. All of these things, especially the lack of Internet access, are sure to make our minds wander and force us to contemplate why fate chose to seat us next to two crying babies once again. Here are some common thoughts one might have next to those crying babies while sitting thousands of feet above the rest of society.

  1. Typical that the person in front of me has already extended their chair.
  2. The plane hasn’t even moved yet!
  3. Oh great, he’s snoring.
  4. This baby sounds like it’s dying . . . I’m fairly certain it’s dying.
  5. Maybe if I bribe the person to my right I’ll get to use the elbow rest.
  6. There goes the left elbow rest.
  7. They don’t have “Friends” on the TV?!?!?
  8. What kind of a plane is this, anyway?
  9. A plane with no sense of humor, evidently, and no “Friends.”
  10. Oh, we’re taking off!
  11. We’ve been going 115 mph for a long time now.
  12. A really long time.
  13. Oh, OK, we took off. Nevermind, not going to die on this strange tube.
  14. Is the engine supposed to make that noise?
  15. I wonder what would happen if I had wings?
  16. I’d probably fly away from my problems.
  17. Ah, yes, the drink cart is coming this way.
  18. Come to me cans filled with heart attacks and 56 tablespoons of sugar.
  19. I like the flight attendant’s eyes.
  20. Maybe I could be a flight attendant.
  21. The baby has once again resumed its crying.
  22. It’s probably because it witnessed the man across from us ordering tomato juice.
  23. I want to cry when I think about tomato juice, too.
  24. How can the pilots see through all these clouds?
  25. What if they can’t see?!
  26. They can probably see.
  27. Why must they give out blankets the size of my arm?
  28. The baby is now playing with my earlobe.
  29. I want to leave this cylinder of death.
  30. I think it’s time to sleep.
  31. Ouch, my neck hurts like this.
  32. My neck hurts in this position, too.
  34. My foot is asleep and I think I may have lost it forever.
  35. Now I have to pee from all that soda.
  36. I don’t want to disturb the baby; it just fell asleep.
  37. I’m going to pee my pants. I have accepted my fate.
  38. I’m going to attempt to leap over said baby gracefully.
  39. Well, I fell.
  40. I smacked my head on the opposite elbow rest, too, and the baby woke up.
  41. At least my bladder won’t explode now.
  42. Was my seat this uncomfortable before I left it?
  43. I think I’ve listened to all the music on my phone 52 times.
  44. If I hear “Thinking Out Loud” one more time . . .
  45. I see the plane is rapidly descending like my GPA.
  46. Hehe, that car looks like an avocado! It’s so cute.
  47. I think I’m going to miss this baby; it’s playing with my earlobe again.
  48. Just kidding, I won’t. It started crying again.
  49. Back to Earth once more!
  50. Maybe I’ll actually grow a pair and ride the baggage claim thing this time.
Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].

DECEMBER 27, 2015