Let’s see: As we leave syllabus week behind and the classes begin to get more intense, we might find ourself needing a little motivation — okay, maybe a lot of motivation. You know who’s got our back? One of America’s most inspirational speakers, second only to Shia LaBeouf in front of a green screen.
Yes, we’re talking about DJ Khaled: The patron saint of Snapchat, the archenemy of the ambiguous “they” and possibly the only person on earth who’d think an appropriate reaction to getting lost on a jet ski at night is to broadcast the entire thing on social media. If you feel like you’re about to “play yourself,” then reading this article is key. They don’t want you to read his inspirational and strangely applicable quotes — so read his inspirational and strangely applicable quotes (preferably in his dulcet tones). Bless up.
“The key is to make it.” This is truly a mantra you can all repeat to yourselves as you trek uphill from the Valley Life Sciences Building to Pimentel after a month of exclusively sedentary activities.
“You smart. You very smart.” Apply this directly to your ego after getting the grade back for your first quiz of the semester.
“Give thanks to the most high.” As you all know, singing praises to Oski on a daily basis is what soothes his insatiable hunger for the souls of the innocent and what keeps you alive to see another day.
“Walk with me through the pathway to more success.” This is good way for you to ask your friends to walk you across Sproul and to your class — the class you’re definitely going to get an A in this semester.
“Egg whites, turkey bacon, hash browns. And of course, water.” DJ Khaled and Chef Dee want you to eat the most important meal of the day and stay hydrated so you can do your best in school — and in life.
“They don’t want you to ____. So we gonna ____.” Insertable phrases: “Go to the gym,” “do your homework” and “get eight hours of sleep.” Basically, anything except “jet ski at night.” Learn from his mistakes.
“They wanna come stress me out? Heh, bye.” Whisper this to yourself whenever your professors assign extra reading. (Then do the reading and take notes because DJ Khaled wants you to succeed.)
“The key is to weather the storm. It’s gonna rain some days. That’s how life is. It is what it is.” Just because it’s 40 degrees outside and raining cats and dogs doesn’t give you a free pass to trade in that Chem 3A lecture for Netflix and a mug of hot chocolate, no matter how much you wish it does.
“Don’t play yourself.” Remember this quote when you’re considering just watching the webcast. Remember it.
“I can deal with everything. I got the answer to anything.” This is usable in a range of situations, but probably will be most applicable during the first midterm of the season. At least you’ll think that until you get your scores back.
“The key to success is to have a hammock.” You can’t really make it big unless you can whip out your hammock at a moment’s notice and chillax on Memorial Glade at any given time.
“The key is to to find somebody to take care of my plants like I take care of them. Now that’s gonna be hard!” Many of us forgot to heed this sage piece of wisdom before leaving for semester break. We should have known that even succulents can’t go a month without water — man, did we play ourselves.
“The key to more success is clean heart and clean face.” Those 20 units make it difficult for you to maintain good personal hygiene at times, but DJ Khaled wants your skin glowing and acne-free, just like his.
“They don’t want you to jetski, they don’t want you to smile.” This one is pretty self-explanatory and widely applicable to any situation you might find yourself in at any given time.
“Another one.” You can tell yourself this as you open up DJ Khaled’s Snapchat story to get inspired for another day.
Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].