As of this year, there have been 679 confirmed cases of UC Berkeley students who have caught The Feels, otherwise known as Feelings. These students have all checked into the Tang Center to receive medical help in vain. UC Berkeley is not alone. It is among 300 universities around the globe to have reports of students diagnosed with The Feels.
The Feels has recently been classified as a virus that causes severe boosts of the love hormone, oxytocin. This oxytocin boost causes students to lose focus, lack good judgment and overall lose control of cognitive ability. The Feels is an advanced form of the Cooties virus, which impacts children between the ages of 4-10 years old.
February is the prime month when The Feels spread and multiply. Ever since Valentine’s Day 1869, the outbreak of The Feels has been a recurring virus on campus. Even though students at the world’s number one public university have been warned about The Feels, thousands of UC Berkeley students have caught the virus over the past couple of centuries. No one is safe.
Pepe Cena, a third year cognitive science major laments that he has experienced The Feels on multiple occasions, and hopes not to contract the virus again any time soon.
“It’s pretty scary out there,” he said. “I’m not trying to catch The Feels for the fourth time! In-feel-enza is a serious problem and it really messed my GPA up my first semester. SHIP doesn’t cover The Feels. I regret not listening to my friends who tried to protect me from it. When I came down with The Feels, I had trouble sleeping and I just couldn’t concentrate in my classes.”
The Feels has no verified cure, though a dose of West Coast Pizza’s cheesy sticks every four hours has been reported to relieve some symptoms. There have been efforts to discover a vaccine, though scientists have all tried and failed.
But Dr. Gary Fieri, a visiting food science professor from Stanford University, has been running experiments to cure The Feels over the past two months. Fieri advises UC Berkeley students to take part in his immunization efforts.
“Go to The Tang Center next month to receive your immunization shot,” he said. “Side effects may include Netflix and chilling alone, simping to Drake’s ‘Marvins Room’ on repeat and cleaning out Bear Market’s freezer of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream tubs. If you also have cravings for Bongo Burger, remember this: You don’t have to eat a whole cheeseburger; just take a piece of the cheeseburger.”
Contact Abigail Balingit at [email protected].