If classic English literary characters were UC Berkeley students

Omil Xia/File
Omil Xia/Staff

We all like to hypothesize what it would be like to have certain people wander the hallowed halls of our campus. We at the Clog decided to figure out what some of our favorite characters from classic literature would be like if they were students at UC Berkeley.

 

Sherlock Holmes (“Sherlock Holmes” novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

Major(s): Legal studies and psychology

Sherlock wears a duster on rainy days and a trenchcoat on sunnier ones. You can’t really talk to him for too long, because you feel like he’s always analyzing you. You leave every conversation you have with him wondering whether or not he has managed to figure out your deep dark secrets. He scored a 179 on the LSAT last semester, but you believe he could’ve gotten a 180 if he had studied even an hour. He likes to point out some obvious things you’d rather were left unsaid, often eliciting your exasperation, accompanied with a, “No shit, Sherlock!”

 

Monsieur Thenardier (“Les Miserables” by Victor Hugo)

Major(s): French, with a minor in theater, dance and performance studies

Thénardier is probably 20 years older than he claims to be and bartends in a couple clubs in San Francisco. Whenever you see him, he wants some cash, which he claims is for some little sister you’ve never seen. He’s loud— like really loud. On top of that, he’s got a girlfriend who is equally as loud, and they’re even louder together. You can always count on him to bring the party, but sometimes, when he gets a little too spirited, he’s got a terrible habit of singing about everything.

 

Victor Frankenstein (“Frankenstein” by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley)

Major(s): ChemE

Frankenstein is a known genius and is top of his class in the College of Chemistry. He works twenty- some hours a week in an underground lab, so his friends never really see him much. When you do happen to catch him scurrying around, his way-too-thin figure may have you worrying that he might’ve run out of bread for the past few weeks and forgotten to eat. People say he could’ve have discovered the cure for cancer if he hadn’t gotten so into grave digging. His friends also suspect he’s got mommy issues.

 

Beowulf (“Beowulf” by anonymous “Beowulf” poet)

Major(s): Celtic studies

Beowulf is still not over the fact that UC Berkeley doesn’t offer Germanic studies as a major. He’s got a terribly heavy accent and nobody knows exactly what type of accent it is. He claims he can bench press more 800 pounds, hold his breath for longer than five minutes and has once ripped Oski’s arm out of its socket, and you believe him. A few years ago, he auditioned to play Thor and claims that he never got a callback only because he didn’t look Hollywood enough.

 

Alice in Wonderland (“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll)

Major(s): Undeclared

Nobody knows if Alice is a UC Berkeley student or not, but she has accepted weed culture with opens arms and can be found diving into fountains on Sproul, claiming that she is “saving a rabbit.” She’s got two friends, or rather, sidekicks, who she is all too excited to introduce as Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber. She occasionally totes around her cat, who she dresses exclusively in a purple-striped T-shirt from Build-A-Bear.

 

Fitzwilliam Darcy (“Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen)

Major(s): Business

Darcy is a fourth-year Haas student with no time to be bothered by freshmen or breadth requirements. Nobody knows Darcy’s first name, and he likes it that way. He once caught you with your zipper down and told you so in the most pretentious and demeaning tone possible. A week later, you received an email apology of him explaining that he was not himself and was misinformed. Someone had told him that you were the one who had stolen his Cal ID to print your thesis out using the money on his Cal 1 Card debit account. Rumor has it, he’s now got a crush on you.

 

Jay Gatsby (“The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald)

Major(s): Economics

Gatsby throws the best parties on Northside, where he lives by himself in a mansion. You’re bummed that you missed his last party, which is rumored to have been completely catered by Chez Panisse. Therefore, you  were not about to miss this next party, where Childish Gambino is performing. At the party, Gatsby, who has been missing until now, pulls on your silk sleeve and asks for you for a moment. He takes you to the roof and points to a tiny green light across the bay, and claims that it is the most beautiful thing in the world. As fascinated as you are by what he’s saying, you’re more worried about spilling your wine on his white tux.

 

Jane Eyre (“Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Brontë)

Major(s): Religious studies

Jane is nice and pious. She attended a Catholic school when she was young and claims she can sometimes still feel the rap of the ruler across her knuckles whenever she procrastinates. She knows what she wants, and she works hard to get it. Recently, what she wants is a guy whose ASUC campaign she has agreed to support. She says she has fallen in love with him and that she believes she will never be popular enough to be with him. You’re just worried that she might freak out when she hears the rumor that he has a girlfriend who lives in the apartment above him.

 

Big Brother (“1984″ by George Orwell)

Major(s): Media studies, with a minor in CS

Big Brother has found a way to complete all his major requirements with online courses, so you’ve actually never met him. But you did Skype with him once when you two were paired together for a group project. Ever since that project, though, Big Brother thinks it’s okay to call you whenever he wants, and usually it’s at the most inopportune times. Some people think Big Brother has figured out how to control all the screens on campus, and now spams the RSF with MTVU. Someone once tried to trace his IP address and it registered to a region in the Bermuda triangle.

 

Bilbo Baggins (“The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings” series by J.R.R. Tolkien)

Major(s): Anthropology

Bilbo lives in Emeryville because he likes to be away from all the ruckus. His little place is nice and cozy, and he’s always got muffins in the oven and has a half-finished jigsaw puzzle the floor. Last time you were over, an old man claiming to be a wizard tried to sell some mood rings, and Bilbo was nice enough to give him a muffin before he sending him away. You can usually find him in a corner on the lowest floor of Main Stacks, happily absorbed in a textbook on runes or, more recently, a jeweler’s guidebook.

Contact Raeline Valbuena at [email protected].