The Procrastinati: A Report

Chris Hewitt/Staff
Chris Hewitt/Staff

Midterms are starting to ramp up now and undoubtedly for most of you the gentle snooze of the first few weeks of school has passed and you’ve had some form of assignment(s) due. It’s inevitable that most of you are starting to feel the stress. And, undoubtedly, you are starting to do what every Berkeley student does when faced with stress: procrastinate. Yes? Have you seen the signs? Have you noticed your fingers moving themselves without your conscious thought, typing out “f-a-c-e-b-o-o-k-.-c-o-m” before your very eyes? Have you found yourself craving a good ol’ Netflix binge, jumbo-size bags of snack foods included? More importantly, have you ever stopped during these moments of joyless avoidance and asked: Why am I doing this? What could possibly be the matter with me?

The truth is, it could be the product of any number of things: fear, helplessness, laziness, lack of motivation, fatigue, lack of focus, confusion, perfectionism, the list goes on. Surely if you are anything like most Berkeley students you have a long list of personalized reasons why you can’t study. You might be needing coffee or have already drunk too much coffee. It could be too sunny and you want to go outside or it’s too depressingly not-sunny outside. Lately, perhaps during the midst of an impressive Wikipedia binge looking up various American conspiracy theories, an interesting possibility presented itself to us at the Clog. 

Have you ever considered that perhaps there are forces driving you to distraction, encouraging your procrastination? Have you ever considered that perhaps there’s something much more insidious going on beneath all the procrastination? That there are forces at work beyond your understanding trying to sabotage your studying? We propose the existence of the Proscratinati. 

Have you ever noticed the lingering feeling that you get after spending time away from your phone and/or laptop? That itching in the back of your being, that longing to connect? The phantom buzzing of your phone in your pocket that seems to be only your imagination? This, my friends, is the evil work of the Procrastinati, clear as day. What about when Facebook and Instagram seem to suck away your time and focus like vampire bats? How you find yourself driven to watch the Snapchat stories of people you don’t even like? Not to mention, have you ever suspected that even Netflix — oh Netflix, the bae who is always down to chill even when there is no bae to Netflix  and chill with — wants you to waste away your hours and become a brainless amorphous couch blob? If so, dear reader, your suspicions are tragically correct. The Procrastinati are real, and they will not cease until we all are so sucked into our phones and devices that we need turn-by-turn directions just to walk down the street.

They— the Procrastinati— are an insidious force. They don’t want you to pay attention in class. They don’t want you to succeed. They want you to stay up all night on Reddit, Facebook, Youtube and Netflix. They want you to have the attention span of a goldfish, or even less if possible. Call us DJ Khaled if you will, but this is fact: the Procrastinati don’t want you to succeed. They don’t even want you to be able to go to the bathroom without your phone on you. The Procrastinati don’t want you to poop in peace.

There are those doubters and naysayers who would argue that the Procrastinati don’t exist. These doubters would argue with disillusioned contentment that students go on Facebook because they don’t want to study, that the endless blue windows open on students’ laptops in North Reading Room are the result of free choice alone. But those who are clued into the conspiratorial truth know that there are forces more insidious than petty fear and laziness at work. Procrastination is more than just a five-syllable word for sloth; it’s the concerted objective of the Procrastinati. So, the next time that you’re trying to study but wind up binge watching an entire season of Game of Thrones, remember this: it’s the Procrastinati that you have to blame. So unplug, disconnect and be free!


Contact Chris Hewitt at [email protected].