Ways UC Berkeley can still be number 1

Caragh McErlean/File

With rumors flying around about the potential removal of the reputed campus College of Chemistry and our number one-ranked public health major, UC Berkeley would clearly be losing two of its major points of pride. If we’re to keep going with this trend of eliminating schools and majors, will UC Berkeley still hold its place as the number one public university? While we can’t be sure about the answer to that hypothetical question, we do know that our school will forever hold its place as number one for several other notable honors.

  1. Data breaches 
  2. Eccentric people on campus, such as our Sproul Plaza atypicals
  3. Dysfunctional Wi-Fi systems                      
  4. Nobel Prize winner parking that is basically never used 
  5. More than majority proportion of students either in premed or prebusiness programs
  6. Yummiest — and greasiest — late night food
  7. Free shirt giveaway stalls
  8. Recycled Yaks
  9. Grade deflation
  10. Anthems for majors — we’ve all heard about EECS being the masterrace
  11. Number of protests
  12. Students with perfect calf muscles
  13. Vegan movements
  14. A tipping ratio of wild, random animals (squirrels, deer and goats) to human beings
  15. Weirdest, most unexpected weather
  16. Overreaching school pride
  17. Local businesses that are 40 percent frozen yogurt, 30 percent Asian, 10 percent Mexican and 20 percent other
  18. Number of flyerers
  19. Rate of commitment of a capella groups just doing their thing on Sproul everyday
  20. Football stadium most situated on a faultline
  21. Frequency of uneven landmasses (A.K.A. hills)
  22. Boba bandwagon
  23. Number of restaurants with the words “noodles” and “Thai” in them
  24. Number of students with creative ways to avoid the walk, such as hoverboards and scooters
  25. Rate of missing the bus, and subsequently BART
  26. Number of munchies concentrated on one block — thanks, Durant Avenue
  27. Chancellor with the best mustache
  28. Longest active cyclotron in the world
  29. Number of students sunbathing, and playing Quidditch, on one campus patch of grass
  30. Library made for everything but studying (A.K.A. Bechtel Engineering Library)
  31. And of course, being the number one public university in the world

Contact Sowgandhi Rayapudi at [email protected].