15 theories on why the public health major was suspended

As you’ve probably heard, there’s been a massive scare in the past week over the suspension of the public health major. The School of Public Health recently decided to suspend undergraduates from applying to the major, causing widespread uproar. Fortunately, admissions were reinstated, but what really happened here? Why did the dean of the School of Public Health close admissions without consulting the College of Letters and Science? We at the Clog have a few theories of our own.

  1. His wife double-dog-dared him to.
  2. He was trying to empty his spam folder and clicked the wrong button.
  3. He was duped by a notoriously tricky genie who closed the major when he said, “I wish healthcare was less of a cost burden.”
  4. He lost a drinking contest with the dean of the College of Chemistry, on which he wagered his whole department.
  5. Just for shits and giggles
  6. He was conducting an experiment to find out when UC Berkeley’s public health students reach their breaking points.
  7. He needed to cut costs so his office could have a pizza and ice cream social.
  8. He dropped his glasses on the floor, and when he was trying to find them, he accidentally pressed the big red button.
  9. He thought he was cancelling the class Public Health 142 for all future semesters. When he found out he cancelled the major, he felt too awkward to correct it.
  10. He wanted to cut costs by getting public health major advisers to quit from all the students coming in to yell at them.
  11. His kids said they’d only get in their jammies and go to bed if he … cancelled the undergraduate public health major!
  12. He was trying to say, “end Muppet wealth,” because he hates The Muppets and their movies, but the phone call was fuzzy so his secretary heard, “end public health.”
  13. He wanted to test the limits of his power.
  14. UC Berkeley is built over a hellmouth and his body was possessed by a demon trying to cause havoc.
  15. He wanted to exact revenge on the student who killed his father: “I am Stefano M. Bertozzi. You killed my father. Prepare to lose your hopes for future happiness in a meaningful career.”

Whatever the reason, we at the Clog are just happy public health is back.

Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].a