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How to fake a spring break

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MARCH 11, 2016


Even if you’re having a staycation this spring break, there are many ways to make it seem like you had even a better spring break than the one in the movie “Spring Breakers” (even though that was an absolutely horrid movie). Listed below are all the ways to convince your uncle who comments weird things on Facebook, college friends and random hookups that you had a grand time.

First, go to the Berkeley Marina. Wear a bathing suit and then take a picture of your feet among the rocks and next to the water. Put a VSCO filter on it, Instagram it with a location like Cuba and then you’ve successfully fooled everyone for the first day. Make sure you don’t make any lame Snapchat stories with the Cal geotag, though, or you won’t be fooling anyone anymore.

Next, buy the cheapest tanning oil available at Walgreens and plop yourself right down in front of the Campanile with that thing rubbed all over you. Lay there for all of the second and third days, since if you’re going to convince people that you went to Cuba, you’re going to need to seriously cheat your way into looking tan.

Now it’s the fourth day. For this, take a picture of the food you order at the most exotic restaurant in Berkeley. Do the same thing as you did on the Marina day and put a VSCO filter on it and call it a day. For those of you who are feeling exceptionally lazy, you can buy CREAM and take a picture of it at a good angle.

Since you’re not home, pay a bunch of random people on the street to do some cool pose with you in front of a thrift store. This is sure to fool people into thinking you’re on a vacation with your friends from home. Ignore all comments on your Instagram or Facebook post that say, “Who the hell are those people?”

Make sure to not mention your spring break plans — all zero of them — to your friends leading up to the break. Not only would this be foolish, but it would definitely not make Mission: Fool Everyone Into Thinking You’re in Cuba a success.

Lastly, the day before break ends, be sure to pack a suitcase and then print out a fake SFO luggage ticket to tie around your bag. Arrive on Sunday in the afternoon breathless and looking all sweaty, as if you had just landed. Also, don’t forget to throw away your tanning oil and the boxes upon boxes of cheesy sticks next to your bed. Destroy all evidence that you went nowhere.

If you follow these detailed instructions on how to fake a spring break, pretty soon you’ll have your own fanbase and people commenting on your Instagrams saying, “Your life is so cool, what?” Bask in these 15 minutes of made up fame — it probably won’t last.

From all of us here at the Clog to you, have fun in Cuba!

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].

MARCH 11, 2016