Conspiracy theories about why Ramona’s closed

Kayla Baskevitch/File

Last week, tragedy struck the UC Berkeley campus as bagels and sandwiches alike were wiped from the famous Ramona’s. Now, a walk past Kroeber Fountain won’t be filled with the smell of bread-crusted mac and cheese. There won’t be any more students pushing each other for a good spot in line. Apparently, some new, award-winning San Francisco chef is opening up a new cafe where Ramona’s used to be, but we dedicated Ramona’s groupies know that can’t be the actual reason. So here are some conspiracy theories on why Ramona’s actually closed.

  1. Chancellor Nicholas Dirks was worried about his daily calorie intake after getting an addiction to Zoe’s chocolate banana almond cookies.
  2. Ramona’s got too fed up with how ugly Wurster is and one day got up and walked away.
  3. The Naked juices caused students to protest because they weren’t “PC” enough.
  4. The Naked juices were causing people to show up naked to the cafe, thus scaring all the architecture students.
  5. Ramona’s went underground as part of the “Underground Cafe Movement” protest that’s spreading all over campus. Next on the list is the GBC.
  6. Taylor Swift had a breakup in Ramona’s and made a song about it, causing there to be too much media attention surrounding the cafe.
  7. The administration was scared Ramona’s aesthetic (or lack of) would scare off admitted students on campus tours. They closed it in the hope that the gossip of a new, award-winning chef would make the potential students come to UC Berkeley.
  8. Students ran out of meal points (really people, already?) so early on that Ramona’s was getting no business.
  9. The squirrels were overtaking the tables outside of the cafe, making the employees terrified for their lives.
  10. UCPD’s “mmmmm” email last week was actually about how much they loved Ramona’s sandwiches. The stoners of Ramona’s were scared this would cause the police to come to the cafe more often, so they shut it down.
  11. The amount of time wasted staring at the sandwiches and walls in Ramona’s was causing students’ GPAs to drop significantly.
  12. Closing Ramona’s saved enough money to bring the public health major back.
  13. El Nino.
  14. Derby Days hat wars got too intense and someone died right outside of Ramona’s, bringing back too painful memories for all who participated in Derby Days.
  15. Chipotle’s e. coli jumped from Telegraph Avenue all the way into Ramona’s.

Despite the long lunch lines and the disgusting architecture, Ramona’s will be dearly missed by all. We just hope this new chef doesn’t eliminate the mac and cheese.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].