It’s no secret that as young, collegiate adults, many of us are in our sexual prime. This is our time to try new things and get creative in — and out — of the bedroom. When esoteric sleep schedules are coupled with the perpetual pressure of work, sometimes our delirious ingenuity begins to border on impossibility. And sometimes, the deviant suggestions that pass through our minds are actually — yes, actually — impossible.
Here is a nice list of a few humorously impossible, UC Berkeley-inspired fantasy sex positions and scenarios. And be sure to remember that even impossible sex should be safe and consensual.
If we’re going to start with some real talk, the truth is, our night shuttles are just asking to be the site of a post-midnight, semi-private porno. Bear Transit’s night buses boast premium leather seats, dimmed lighting and, depending on the driver, the perfect R.Kelly-esque throwbacks to get you in the mood. With the tall-backed chairs creating an atmosphere of intimacy, it’s just a little too easy. That is, at least, if you’re both on the same bus. To properly pull off “Naughty Transit,” you’d need to get a little more mischievous, because in this position, you’ll be on two different shuttles coasting side-by-side with windows down and everything out in the open. Sex would occur however you could make it happen in the space between the two buses.
Yeah, yeah, you’re not supposed to touch things on display, but you’ve got to touch VSLB’s t-rex at some point before you graduate. But what if you could do more than just touch? What if you could climb up those bones and ride the t-rex? What if you could climb up on someone else’s bone and ride ’em on the t-rex? Yup, “Jurassic Narc” requires you to abandon your museum etiquette and ride bae like the cowgirl/boy you know you’ve got in you, on top of a t-rex. One of you would become the dinosaur’s saddle and the other would ride the beast how they please. This would be an opportunity to get up close and personal with some fossils that you’d never hear about in a tour group.
For everyone out there who’s got a little not-so-hidden food fetish, here’s some material for your sweet wet dreams. This position is really more a condition, and allows for a little more creativity in the world of your imagination. All “CREAM Sandwich” requires is that you both remain sandwiched between two CREAM cookies at all times. Now, with all the excitement of a nice sexy time, it’s pretty impossible to keep two cookies balanced on your backs or bums. That is, you’d need to angle yourselves correctly to get everything in the middle of the sandwich where it’d need to go to make it happen, and use your own creams to your adhesive advantage. This position would be a basic missionary, with a deliciously impossible twist. And if you manage to accomplish this, then you both deserve an ice-cream sandwich.
Coals Before Poles
The only thing hotter than sex is fire, and we’re talking literal fire. Every year, UC Berkeley’s Rally Com builds a massive bonfire to get everyone heated before the Big Game. “Coals Before Poles” takes advantage of this unique opportunity: Before you go off to celebrate game day with some night action, you get pretty hot in the bonfire coals. In this scenario, all sexual activity occurs standing, on top of the burning coals of the freshly extinguished bonfire. Nothing like a few hundred degrees to get the blood flowing in all the right places. Those third-degree burns you got from melted candle wax last semester will be nothing compared to the memories this feat would leave you with.
Frustration can be a turn on, and as a lot of science majors know too well, chem labs can be full of tension. Working with dangerous substrates and explosive pressures creates a fine balance between fun and safety, and we’re addicted to it cause we know that it’s toxic. Chemical Tension takes your lab frustrations to a climax. In this position, one of you would sit on the lab bench, ready to be experimented with, while the other would do as they please. But to be safe, you’d have maneuver within all the chem lab safely rules. That’s right, no acrylic nails, goggles fogging your vision, latex gloves over every finger and, for optimum safety, long-sleeves and pants at all times. Skin contact at a minimum, you’d be lucky to get a good reaction going.
Contact Raeline Valbuena at [email protected].