The Professor Papers

Sarah Brennan/File

This week The Daily Californian obtained a package of papers compiling hacked emails and comments from a wide range of the UC Berkeley faculty, describing how they truly feel about teaching at this school. Because of the scandalous nature (and unconfirmed veracity) of the papers, however, they were deemed unfit to publish. We at the Clog feel that these papers must be published; the truth must be revealed.

A few of us went through the papers this week, surely the biggest leak since the Panama Papers, and pulled out some of the best nuggets. From us at the Clog to you, we present: the Professor Papers!

“Oh, my God. The cell phone policy is ridiculous. We all know why they have it. It’s not even for the students. It’s for us. God, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if they didn’t have the no-cell phone policy. Every class, I’m just counting down the minutes until I can check Snapchat. This student in my seminar was doing the stupidest thing yesterday, and I couldn’t snap it. So sad afterward.”

“This whole ‘there are no stupid questions’ thing is really weighing heavy on me this week. I mean, for real? Who came up with this b*******? Of course there are stupid questions. A kid in my section last week said something so dumb I almost swallowed my tongue! ‘No dumb questions’ — yeah, right.”

“Cindy, you would not believe the night I had. I was supposed to write lesson plans for this week and grade like 50 papers, but I didn’t do anything. So first I sit down to do the work, but I wind up spending like four hours on Facebook. Insane. Then I got a message from Robby Reich saying he wanted to get shwasty for Taco Tuesday. Fast-forward five hours, me and Robby are stuck in San Francisco past when BART closes, so we had to take an Uber back, and Reich insisted on lecturing the driver the whole time about the decrepit state of the American middle class. Unreal.”

“Bill Clinton is such a Haashole.”

“Cal Day is gonna be such a pain. I mean, how unfair. Nobody has classes, but I still have to teach!”

“Connor, you need to shut down the lab. Now! And get rid of all the evidence. I think Dirks found out we’re doing experiments on students.”

“New idea to save the College of Chemistry: We take a play from ‘Breaking Bad’ and get the grad students to set up a little something-something in the area. You feel what I’m saying?”

“I just wish that people would pay attention.”

“Long live Alexander Coward.”

Contact Chris Hewitt at [email protected].