Places to hide in case of a zombie attack

Tony Zhou/File

Zombies are one of our favorite monsters here at the Clog. They move slowly and awkwardly, only think about food and stand as a terrifying symbol for man’s capacity to bring about his own downfall (all of which are things we as college students can relate to). Despite this, if a zombie outbreak occurs on campus, you won’t find us sticking around for long. We worked too hard building up these brains to get in here just to have them eaten up. If you feel the same way, check out our list of the best places to hide on campus in case of a zombie attack. Maybe print it out and keep it in your wallet too. Just in case.

Foothill and Stern

Not many people live here anyway, so there will probably be a lower concentration of zombies wandering by, as well as fewer people to endanger you with something dumb such as shrieking or setting off fireworks. Foothill dining and the Cub Market can provide a close, mainly non-perishable food source, which means that you won’t have to leave your shelter for sustenance. If you get tired of living off Takis and the croutons from the salad bar, remember that you could always make a meal of an errant squirrel or deer if you got desperate enough. Maybe eventually you’ll morph into some type of apocalyptic Bear Grylls living in the Berkeley hills.

Dwinelle Hall

It’s hard enough to find your way around this maze of a building when you’re in charge of your full mental faculties; how are dimwitted zombies or confused travelers supposed to sniff you out in here? Lots of rooms and lots of levels mean that Dwinelle has more than enough space to hold a small army, which is coincidentally what you’ll have after you establish yourself as the godlike ruler of this strange new brain-hungry world. Just make sure you remember where everything is yourself. Get lost in these halls, and you might never escape, wandering forever as either a human or something worse.

Tang Center

First of all, Tang is located so far away from campus that it’s pretty unlikely that a zombie would even make it down there. While it will definitely be a challenge to brave Southside and make it to Tang’s front doors, those intrepid enough will find a badly-needed stock of medicine inside its many clinics and labs. While the rest of campus struggles with war wounds, stomach flu and, you know, being infected by zombies, you’ll be sitting pretty with the cure you discovered. Thanks to all the motivational posters, you’ll have pretty great mental health as well.

California Memorial Stadium

This stronghold location definitely follows the general trend of picking a place located out of the way. It’s hard enough for regular humans to make it up the nearly vertical hill to the stadium’s entrance. By the time a loudly groaning zombie breaches the top, you’ll have known about its impending arrival for at least a week. Plus, stairs — zombies aren’t very good with them. Lots of stairs both inside and outside the stadium walls mean that after you barricade the ground entrances, you can set up a little camp in the middle of the field without worrying about much other than the local drama. Also, Oski probably lives somewhere in the stadium, so you can use him as a last line of defense (probably a human shield) if it comes to that.

Main Stacks

Don’t deny it: The first time you walked in here, you thought “secret underground zombie apocalypse bunker.” Well guess what, kids? You were right. Main Stacks is an ideal hideout — its underground network of hallways allows for quick transportation from place to place without the fear of becoming infected. Its link to the Free Speech Movement Cafe provides both a food source and a boost of motivation after reading Mario Savio’s famous speech, and its individual study rooms can be locked down in the case that zombies do end up breaching Main Stacks and begin wandering around down there. When you want to take back your home, you can use heavy dictionaries and encyclopedias to bash in zombie skulls, all while shouting “THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD!” Thanks, Bulwer-Lytton.

The top of the Campanile

This is the prime shelter in the case of a zombie apocalypse. By barricading the front door and fashioning a giant rope ladder or pulley system to get to the top, you’ll be able to access the entire building without worrying about guarding any entrances, since zombies can’t climb. In times of more pressing danger — raiders or an attack from a rival camp — you’ll be able to pull up your ladder or pulley to create an impenetrable fortress. In terms of offensive strategy, giant bell plus sturdy architecture plus great vantage point means that you’ll be able to both wage war and defend yourself well, drawing zombies near with sound and picking them off from an infallible bird’s-eye view. And if none of that interests you, think about all the opportunities for a gorgeous sunset selfie with the severed head of your first zombie kill, the remnants of the Golden Gate Bridge littered with corpses and gently smoking in the distance.

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].