Cool new ways to celebrate Earth Day

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For the most part, Mother Nature has been good to the denizens of the Bay Area. You don’t hear much about tornadoes, thunderstorms or other jarring natural disasters tearing their way across the picturesque UC Berkeley campus (aside from the occasional story about the most recent squirrel attack on the local tour group population). In return, of course, members of the community treat the environment well. Berkeley is notorious for “being green,” a cultural phenomenon anyone can readily observe on campus through the abundance of recycling bins, giant CalPIRG turtles that materialize on Sproul Plaza every other week and vegan rants penned in Sharpie in the first floor VLSB bathrooms.

But there’s something special about birthdays, which means that despite the fact that we’re all pretty environmentally conscious most of the time, we’re all going to have to step it up for Earth Day on April 22. We’re talking presents. We’re talking cake. We’re talking Facebook event pages a thousand plus people strong that garner strange, post-Dadaist meme-based comments that eventually spawn spin-off Facebook groups of their own. We’re talking ways to celebrate Earth Day, taken to the extreme. We’ve come up with a few cool, new and original ideas you can use to celebrate the planet on which you were born and on which you will eventually die — unless your corpse is shot into space in a really sick ass way. Have fun, and remember, kids: It’s not easy being green (but do it for Mother Nature anyway).

For the traditional party planner:

  • Tie multicolored balloons — made of biodegradable plastic, of course — to members of the local squirrel population so they can bob gently through the wind at eye level instead of having to scamper around on the ground. They can launch airborne assaults on unsuspecting passersby like tiny, furred dive-bombing fighter planes. It will be magnificent.
  • Place miniature party hats on all the plants you see. They’ll appreciate it, trust us. Those photosynthetic organisms, man — they just love to party.
  • The night before April 22, go around and pluck all the leaves off of the trees on campus. Use scotch tape, staples, or if you must, liberal amounts of chewing gum to stick glitter and confetti to the branches where the leaves used to be. This way, when the wind blows on Earth Day, the confetti will come sprinkling down and turn every breeze into an impromptu celebration of the Earth and her glorious, gum-covered bounty.
  • Paint everything green. Everything. If you’re about to ask questions such as, “But what about this thing that’s already green? Will this thing die if I paint it green? How is this going to help the Earth at all?” then you need to stop. Think about what this article just said. Then, go get a paintbrush and a paint can and begin to paint. Do not question the great, unfathomable power of We At The Clog. Do not question it ever again.

For the activist:

  • Go vegan for exactly 24 hours — no more, no less. It might be hard to cope with such a radical dietary change, especially if you, like the majority of the student population, have been surviving off of chicken strips and unholy doses of lattes in a half-hearted attempt to fend off starvation between study sessions. Try eating a mud pie — a literal mud pie — made of rocks, dirt and deep regret. See if that helps. It probably won’t, but hey, you’ll get to say you’re saving the environment.
  • Purchase Walgreens’ entire stock of bottled water and pour it into Strawberry Creek one bottle at a time. This will help undo the massive drought California is currently suffering through and can also serve to hydrate Mother Nature so her skin absolutely glows for her big birthday bash this weekend. It takes a lot of work to be beautiful!
  • Turn up the air conditioning in your home and in each and every one of the campus buildings in which you can manage to find the thermostat. We each must do our part to combat the scourge that is global warming — you’re simply making the world a cooler place. (There’s a pun about being chill to be found somewhere in this situation, too.)
  • Don’t breathe. Just refuse to breathe at all. This way, you won’t be taking up the oxygen molecules that could be used to rebuild the hole in the ozone layer that exists over Australia and also parts of Wheeler Hall during the really warm days of late spring, if we’re judging by the temperature. Who needs to perform aerobic respiration, anyway? Not yeast, and as of April 22, not us either.

For the true believers:

  • Perform a human sacrifice to Oski, which will appease him and prevent him from swallowing Earth whole for another thousand years. Nothing puts a damper on an environmental holiday more than the environment itself being consumed by the infinite void of Oski’s great maw, along with everything humanity as a whole has ever known and loved.

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].