Cal-chella: How to recreate Coachella in Berkeley

Christopher Hewitt/Staff

You’re probably gritting your teeth and gearing up for your last week of the semester. Meanwhile, these past two weekends, in the desert almost 150 miles east of Los Angeles, there were thousands and thousands of festival-goers soaking up the sun and celebrating not being in school. That’s right: Coachella happened.

Maybe you were feeling jealous. Maybe you were FOMOing at the mouth. Or maybe you didn’t even know that Coachella was going on. Regardless, we at the Clog are here to help you recreate the feeling of Coachella here in Berkeley.

First, you need to work on your Coachella outfit. One of the Coachella keys to success is, of course, the perfect look. If you’re a guy or identify as a guy, your job is far easier than what the opposite sex is going to have to go through. For starters, you basically just need sneakers and board shorts. Shirt is optional. A hat might be necessary, depending on the weather. Camelback is required, for hydration purposes.

As for the ladies, you have a great number of options available to you. Literally anything under the sun. Lucky for you, and thanks to the incredible work of Instagram celebs all over the world, you can wear the weirdest outfit humanly possible, call it “fashion” and fit right in. Try to look like as much of a female version of Xerxes (from the movie “300”) as possible, and you’ll be perfectly nailing the Coachella look. Welcome to 2016.

Blast this music as loud as possible, everywhere you go. A portable Bluetooth speaker is your friend for this fake-out weekend. Remember: the louder the better. You want everyone to know that you’re having more fun in Berkeley than anyone at actual Coachella — don’t let anyone (yourself included) forget it.

Buy a tent, or borrow one from a friend, and set it up on Memorial Glade. You’ll be spending the next three days in this tent, so be sure to bring everything you need. A sleeping bag is optional but recommended. You might want to bring your laptop as well so you can stream videos from actual Coachella. Who wouldn’t want to watch every act, uninterrupted, from the comfort of their own tent?

Next thing you want to do is run across campus to the food court on Durant Avenue and buy the most expensive food you can possibly find. Make sure it’s of extremely low quality. Also, to simulate the reality of actual Coachella, you might want to wait in line multiple times. The minimum amount of time you should be waiting for food is 30 minutes. Don’t eat the food until it’s completely cold and unappetizing; you don’t want to ruin the Coachella magic.

Lastly, but not least-ly, you’re going to want to engage in some good Coachella practices while you’re partying it up at Berkeley Faux-chella.  A few good things to do include, but are not limited to:

  1. Not sleeping
  2. Painting your face so you become your spirit animal
  3. Kill some brain cells, in whatever way you prefer
  4. Lose your friends
  5. Make new friends
  6. Find your old friends and introduce them to your new friends
  7. Yell Cal-chella whenever the urge strikes you
  8. Create a snapstory of Tolstoyic length and scope
  9. Take at least five new Facebook profile pics, and caption them all “Cal-chella is lyfe!”
  10. Make sure you’re having a better time than anyone else in Berkeley

From all of us at the Clog to you, we hope no one robs your tent.

Contact Chris Hewitt at [email protected].