Conspiracy theories on the renovation of Wheeler Hall

Michael Drummond/Staff

Recently, it was announced that as of next semester, Wheeler Hall will be renovated for a variety of purposes. Reasons for the renovation include the modernization of the elevators, window and roof restoration and an attempt to make the building LEED-certified, among other things. But we at the Clog are suspicious of this $27 million project. What kinds of windows are they buying that are worth $27 million anyway? They better have been handmade by the pope or Buddha or Kanye.

The first conspiracy theory we have is that a freshman was checking gpacalculator.net during a lecture and had a pleasant combination of a stroke and seizure and subsequently died. The school, not wanting the media to publish any stories on the over-stressed students, decided to renovate the building as a distraction for the media.

The second conspiracy theory is that the Campanile doesn’t actually contain all the fossils and precious items it claims to. The middle floors of the Campanile are probably being used as a meth lab. But this left the campus with the issue of not knowing where to put the fossils. So, the $27 million combination of Wheeler’s new roof and windows will secretly have all the fossils built into them to save both space and money. Additionally, the meth business hasn’t been as booming as the campus had originally hoped, therefore forcing them to renovate Wheeler to save face.

Jessica Rogness/File

Jessica Rogness/File

 

The third theory we have is that Stanford recently released a report saying they had 58 LEED-certified buildings. Not to be outdone, UC Berkeley decided it would make Wheeler its 59th LEED-certified building, but peg the main reason for renovation on mechanical and engineering changes within the building. We predict that this arms race (LEED building style) might turn into a full-on second Cold War. Updates to come.

Last but not least, we find it highly plausible that there was an underground bathroom black market happening beneath Wheeler. A tunnel, leading from other campus buildings into Wheeler, contained students willing to pay to use the seemingly only nice bathroom on campus: the one on the third floor of Wheeler. The traffickers would force the tunnel users to pay an entrance fee. The campus found out about this system and decided a renovation would be the only way to detonate the tunnel without students finding out.

Hopefully, these conspiracy theories leave you feeling puzzled and wanting to know the true reason behind the renovation of Wheeler. With $27 million, the campus could build six more dining halls and buy the entire Central Valley, probably. Who knows what they’re doing with that amount of money, but whatever it is, we’re onto you, Chancellor Nicholas Dirks.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].