6 degrees of desperation

Kore Chan/File
Kore Chan/File

Sometimes what we do in desperation gets us into some strange scenarios, especially when desperation is caused by finals stress. Six degrees of separation is a theory that everybody and everything in the universe can be connected in six interpolative steps. Here at the Clog, we thought it would be an interesting experiment to see if we could connect student stresses to their weirdest possible outcomes, in six degrees of desperation.

Group Presentation → Getting trampled by a stampeding cow

  1. One person in your group insists that you should all meet at their apartment.
  2. Once in their apartment you realize they’re throwing a party instead.
  3. The party’s theme is Farmers and Livestock.
  4. A lot of people are dressed as farmers but your project partner jokes that they need more livestock.
  5. Your project partner brings you to go get a cow from Modesto.
  6. You accidentally startle the cow and end up trampled.

Eshleman after-hours access not approved → Making candles from monkey earwax

  1. You’ve been ejected from Eshleman Hall and run to the 51B bus stop on Bancroft Way.
  2. You always ride the 51B, but you wonder if there’s a 51A.
  3. The 51A runs in Oakland.
  4. You go to Oakland to ride the 51A, but get lost and end up at the Oakland Zoo.
  5. At the zoo, your phone runs out of battery in front of the monkey cage.
  6. You’re afraid of the dark so you try making candles from monkey earwax.

Computer science project → Fostering a banapple tree in your backyard

  1. Your computer science project is focused on Python.
  2. A python is a type of snake.
  3. In Christianity, it’s believed that Satan was the snake that tempted Eve to eat the apple.
  4. You ate an apple this morning, but your favorite fruit is the banana.
  5. Looking up “apples and bananas,” you stumble across the banapple tree.
  6. You order a banapple tree with Amazon student and plant it in your backyard.

Berkeley-wide power outage → Accidentally vomiting in front of Joseph Gordan Levitt

  1. The only thing you charged before the power outage is your hover board.
  2. You ride your hover board to the nearest Mega Bus station.
  3. You take a Mega Bus to Los Angeles because there’s still power there.
  4. In L.A., you aren’t used to all the traffic and get hit by a car.
  5. The car accident knocked you unconscious and you wake up in the hospital.
  6. You sit up to quickly and vomit — JGL is in the hospital bed next to you, recovering from an injury on set.

Nowhere to get coffee this late → Attempting to swim to Alcatraz

  1. All of the cafes are closed so you decide to try making tea.
  2. To make tea you need to boil water.
  3. There is a piece of dust in your water that your roommate says looks like a boat.
  4. You both like boats so you head down to the marina.
  5. On a clear night, you can see Alcatraz from the marina.
  6. Your roommate dares you to swim to Alcatraz and you try it.

Three finals in one day → Adopting a candy vendor persona, Heisenburg Jr.

  1. Biochemistry, physical chemistry and personal finance finals are all scheduled for Monday.
  2. Monday is lunae dias in Latin.
  3. You remember you also have a Latin final to study for.
  4. You don’t want to study for your Latin final so you binge-watch “Breaking Bad.”
  5. To complement binge-watching, you buy a bunch of candy to snack on.
  6. You can’t eat all your candy because you feel sick so you start selling it using the pseudonym Heisenburg Jr.

15-page research paper → Selling eggs/sperm in exchange for rupees

  1. The 15-page paper is supposed to be written in 12-point font.
  2. “Twelve-point font” makes you nostalgic for the simpler days when you were 12.
  3. When you were 12, all you really dreamed of was visiting Dubai.
  4. You still want to visit Dubai and avoid writing this paper, so you purchase a one-way flight.
  5. The one-way flight service lost your baggage, including your money.
  6. You have no money and begin selling your eggs/sperm for funds, wishing you had just written your paper.

Roll on, you Bears.



Contact Raeline Valbuena at [email protected].