What’s the most surprising thing that’s come out of 2016? Some might say the Donald Trump presidential campaign, some might say the album Beyonce casually decided to drop over the weekend — but we’re going to go with the fact that the administration has somehow managed to come up with a way of signing up for classes that’s, against all odds, worse than Tele-BEARS. If you’re struggling to sign up for that 8 a.m. class you know you’ll regret in five months, never fear! We’ve come up with a few tips to help you navigate the murky and sometimes terrifying waters of Schedule Planner. Good luck signing up for classes — you’ll need it.
- Access CalCentral and look for the button that will presumably take you to Schedule Planner for six and a half minutes. Make sure to click every link that might possibly take you to the correct website so that you mess up as much as you can fix in as short an amount of time as possible.
- Make a post on the social media of your choice about how strange it is that the new schedule builder uses the word “shopping cart.” Throw in a complaint about how the capitalist scourge has become so rampant that it has now taken over the vernacular of the public school class scheduling system.
- Ask your friends if they know how to sign up for classes and get a series of bewildered shrugs in response. Have someone else ask you if you know how to sign up for classes less than 10 minutes after this exchange has occurred.
- Turn your computer off and then turn it back on again. Did it help? No? OK, try it again. And again. And again.
- Unwittingly access Tele-BEARS and accidentally sign up to take all your classes during the summer. Realize your mistake and, with a heavy heart, softly and slowly stroke your computer screen as you move your mouse to close out the tab for the final time. Wear all black and play “Amazing Grace” in the background as this occurs.
- Hang around Soda Hall to see if you can get some computer science majors to help you find your way around the class scheduling site. Set up a table with a sign on the front that says “Free Start-up Advice” if your Tele-BEARS is coming up and you need tech assistance as soon as possible.
- Google queries ranging from “Berkeley new class schedule site how to use” to “telebears replacement possibly worse than telebears” to “i just want to college someone please help me.” Results may or may not be relevant to what you are actually searching for.
- Pray to Oski for the power, strength and knowledge necessary to successfully navigate Schedule Planner. You’ll need to summon him by surrounding your laptop with a circle of scented candles, white stained gloves and printouts of at least five different emails from Chancellor Nicholas Dirks; if you can manage to survive whatever horrors he inevitably has in store for you, we’re pretty sure he’ll help you out with finding your way through the website.
- Still can’t find a way to find the classes you need? Just fling your laptop out of the window. It’s not the conventional method of signing up for classes, but there’s a one in a million chance the right keys will be smashed as your computer hits the ground and somehow you’ll end up with that 8 a.m.-free schedule you’ve been dreaming of since freshman year. It’s a long shot, but anything’s better than what you’re working with right now.
- Give up and smash that Cancel Registration button.
Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].