Quiz: Why are you breaking out?

Charlotte Passot/Staff

In this difficult time when we’re all finishing up final papers and buzzing with anxiety and anticipation for finals, acne and pimples are simply a part of our adolescent, hormonal lives. Right now, we’re all feeling the pressure to succeed and plan ahead for RRR week and finals so we don’t disappoint our parents and ourselves. Even though we’re technically adults, break-outs make us feel like we’re teenagers back in high school, just hoping that Jimmy McCool will ask us to the prom. If you’re breaking out, take this quiz to find out why, and if you’re not, screw you.

  1. Have you started studying for finals yet?
    1. Is this some sick joke? Absolutely not.
    2. I started getting some study materials together. I’ve shuffled some papers.
    3. I’ll do it during RRR week. I still have to finish some papers due this week.
    4. I’ve already started making my study guides and everything is color coded!
  2. Who would you kick out of a nap pod so you could rest?
    1. Jared Goff napping Jared Goff
    2. Janet Napolitano napping Janet Napolitano
    3. Chancellor Dirks napping Chancellor Dirks
    4. Oski napping Oski
  3. Pick a picture of Chancellor Dirks that reflects how bad your breakout is.
    1. A few here and there
    2. several Dirks
    3. so many Dirks
    4. fucked
  4. “When I’m stressed, I ______.”
    1. Eat a whole box of Cheez-Its for dinner, then throw them all up
    2. Take a nap at 6 p.m. and wake up at 3 a.m.
    3. Look at pictures of Chancellor Dirks’ kind, graceful face
    4. Exercise furiously, then chug a Monster energy drink and crush the can on your forehead
  5. Where is your breakout located?
    1. Between my eyes like I have a frickin’ unibrow.
    2. The tip of my nose like a high schooler going to their first prom
    3. My butt. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but it’s on my butt.
    4. Around my cheeks and mouth. I guess I’ve been eating too many barbecue chips. No ragrets.
    1. You’re breaking out because you’ve been trying to think of a good synonym for “innuendo” for almost 10 minutes, but nothing seems to fully cover the scope of the original word. The stress of this caused you to “take a break” from your essay and eat three full-sized bags of Lays sour cream and onion chips while watching a “Grey’s Anatomy” marathon. Those greasy morsels traveled straight onto your face and popped up into bright red pimples. Check thesaurus.com next time.
    2. You’re breaking out because you’ve been going through an existential crisis for the past few days, unable to leave your bed and therefore not washing your face. At least you’ve had time to ponder life and you’ve determined that it is meaningless and that all religion and morality is senseless and trivial. Now that you’re a nihilist, who cares if you’re breaking out anyway.
    3. You’re breaking out because your overwhelming unhappiness has led to a never-ending cycle of stress over school, fear of failing and the unknown and anxiety about your eventual descent into oblivion. You will never escape the hellish wheel of darkness, but you will go through the motions of life, while truly feeling nothing.
    4. You’re breaking out because life happens, man. There’s no rhyme or reason. Did you do something to deserve your currently pocked mug? No, you absolutely didn’t — you try your best to be a good person, but the universe just throws shit in your face regardless. The only thing you can do is stop caring and stop trying. So just kick back with a bottle of wine, a few fancy cheeses and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” because nothing matters anyway.

Life will throw pimples at your face. All you have to do is rub some antibacterial ointment on them. From all of us at the Clog, we hope your skin stays clear.

Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].