Quiz: Which finals time slot do you embody?

Jamin Kim-Sanders/File

Finals week is always hellish for everyone. It doesn’t matter whether you have two finals and two papers or five finals and two lab practicals, next week will be one of the most anxiety-inducing, stressful weeks of our short 17- to 23- year lives. Everyone at UC Berkeley knows what a “good” finals schedule looks like as opposed to a “bad” finals schedule — someone, somewhere has three finals back-to-back on Friday. Let us all bow our heads and have a moment of silence for that poor soul. Now, take this quiz to find out which finals time slot you embody. Are you Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. or Friday at 7 p.m.? And what exactly does that mean for you? Whatever you get, you probably deserve a cookie or some ice cream for studying so hard this week.

  1. Where would you rather take a final?
    1. Recreational Sports Facility
    2. Oski’s torture dungeon
    3. Random classroom in Dwinelle Hall or somewhere else I’ll never be able to find
    4. Perched upon Chancellor Dirks’ mustache
  2. Who’s more likely to be the Zodiac Killer?
    1. We may never know.
    2. Oski the Bear had access and proximity to the victims during the time period.
    3. My computer science teacher killed my spirit — who’s to say they didn’t kill all those people, so many years ago.
    4. Ted Cruz has a slimy, weird and sad smile that suggests he might constantly be tortured by the sheer volume of people he’s murdered.
  3. Pick a Zodiac Killer.
    1. Jared Goff is the Zodiac Killer Jared Goff and his curly, golden locks
    2. Oski is the zodiac killer Oski and how he perfectly fits into the Zodiac Killer sketch
    3. Dirks is the zodiac killer Chancellor Dirks and his endearing unibrow
    4. Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer Ted Cruz and his weird smile
  4. How much do you hate the new enrollment system?
    1. It’s quite good. I also think that Windows XP is really user friendly.
    2. The bounds of my hatred cannot be measured.
    3. Loathing and resentment swirl endlessly in my black hole of a heart regarding everything and everyone in my life, including the new enrollment system.
    4. There are already so many things in my life that confuse me — I didn’t really need another.
  5. What does your finals schedule look like?
    1. Spread out throughout the week
    2. They’re all centered around the beginning of the week, so I get to go home early.
    3. I have four on Thursday and Friday so you can just kill me now.
    4. Time is an irrelevant construct that serves only to give men the illusion that the universe has some sense of order.
  6. What came first? Chancellor Dirks’ mustache or unibrow?
    1. 20121108_115514_dirks_GALLERY I’m a mustache man, myself.
    2. Do I need to go on another tangent about time as a construct?
    3. dirks unibrow It’s gotta be the (f)unibrow.
    4. The unibrow has been there since birth, but the mustache must’ve come around the age of 14.
    1. Good gracious, you’re the 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. time slot on Tuesday. You’re so lovely and nice — not too early, not too late. You relax people and make them feel comfortable and safe. Thank goodness there are people like you around to help us through finals week.
    2. Good grief, you’re the 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. time slot on Monday. You’re frankly a horror. While people enjoy that they get through with talking to you quickly, it doesn’t mean they relish actually being with you. We’re all too overworked and stressed to deal with someone as difficult as you this early in the morning and week.
    3. Good heavens, you’re the 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. time slot on Friday. You might be the worst. There’s a distinct possibility that you suck a lot. You’re a party pooper and a cock block. No one wants you in their lives, yet you force yourself on thousands of students every semester. Why can’t you be more like the Wednesday 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. time slot?
    4. By golly, you’re the 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. time slot on Wednesday. You’re not too bad, friend. While no one particularly wants to take a final right at dinner time, they’re happy to get out just in time to unwind and attend their own special Wine Wednesday in their room.

Obviously, this is all meaningless because time itself is meaningless. It doesn’t matter when you take your finals, they’re always going to be difficult and tiresome. We at the Clog have the RRR week blues and we know you do too.

Sasha Ashall is the blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].