Quotes from ‘The Office’ to get you through finals week


It’s finals week — you all know what that means. Rough times are upon us. Life can only get worse from here. At least, it might seem that way right now. Maybe with a dose of well-meaning Michael Scott and a pinch of clueless Kevin Malone, it might not be that bad. Check out these quotes from “The Office” that might make the upcoming week just a little bit easier. And we say “might,” because they probably won’t with the amount of work you have to do. Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Michael Scott: “Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.”

Worried about telling your parents about the grades you got this semester? Take after Michael and spare Mom and Dad the misery of even knowing that unfortunate information. Not telling them would be a good deed. Charity, even. (Yes, your grades are that bad.)

Michael Scott: “Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night stand with some stupid cow I picked up in a bar and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand.”

Replace “my employees” with “Quizlet” or “Yahoo Answers” and you and Michael Scott are the same person. Finals week wouldn’t be finals week if it weren’t filled with desperate Google searches of entire textbook chapters and search bar autocompletes of the phrase “how to drop out of college.”

Kevin Malone: “Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!”

This quote applies to every group project that hasn’t gone the way you wanted it to. And all of the group projects where you were the only one who did any work. Every group project you’ve ever been part of, basically.

Dwight Schrute: “In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is, ‘Oh, I broke my leg!’ A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead!”

In the wild, there are no final exams or grades. If all else fails, you could always drop out of school and spend the rest of your life with a (hopefully friendly) pack of wolves.

Jim Halpert: “Wait, what are you writing? Don’t write ‘ebola’ or ‘mad cow disease,’ all right? Because I’m suffering from both of them.”

Being sick during finals week can be a nightmare. But even if you’re technically as healthy as a horse, all the stress can make you feel like the bubonic plague itself is wreaking havoc on your poor body. Make sure you watch a lot of “The Office” — and stay hydrated, eat well and get lots of sleep — to keep yourself healthy and sane.

Good luck on your finals, Bears! As Dwight once said, “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” Use this as inspiration on multiple-choice questions. (Hint: The answer is always C.)

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].