Taking exams as Derek Shepherd

Sasha Ashall/File

“It’s a beautiful day to take an exam.”

When you wake up as Derek Shepherd, the legendary character from “Grey’s Anatomy,” chances are your final is perfectly scheduled to be in the afternoon and in a location only 10 feet away from you.

As Derek Shepherd, you didn’t bother studying for this exam worth 45 percent of your grade because somehow the gene pool messed up and gave you both intelligence and god-like features. While walking to the exam room, you deny the many requests from girls on Vespas to give you rides to the exam room, and instead you stroll there listening to “Bubbly” by Colbie Caillat. You have time for lunch with your grandmother before so you sit at Cafe Milano and eat steak with her.

After the steak, you realize you still have too much money to spend so you give it all to homeless people outside. There’s still some time to kill so you go to the place you volunteer at weekly and make some sandwiches.

At last, it’s time to take the exam. You walk into the exam room and the professor nearly pees himself with excitement upon seeing your face. A girl proposes in the aisle while you’re walking up to the professor, but you dismiss it kindly. The professor gives you four green books for free, along with perfectly sharpened pencils. You have arrived 20 minutes early to the exam, so the professor decides to use this time to write you a stunning letter of recommendation.

You take a few minutes to snap pictures of your hands and send them to some hand modeling agents. Then you sit down in the front row and take the final exam in under 30 minutes, a UC Berkeley record for this class.

Upon leaving the exam room, you run into your adviser, who took it upon himself to sign you up for classes early so it wouldn’t trouble you. Also, the adviser lets you know that the rest of your final exams were cancelled because the professors realized having one test be worth 25% of your grade was ridiculous.

Then you wake up and see that it’s 8:01 a.m. and you’re already late to your first final exam. You realize that you’re not Derek Shepherd and reality is so much worse than REM sleep. You will probably spill coffee on yourself within 10 minutes of waking up, put your pants on inside-out, run into your crush looking like the exorcist, trip up the stairs and get to the exam only to realize you studied for the wrong one.

Happy finals.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].