Dear quarter system losers,

This letter is just a friendly reminder that while you’re all suffering with your various finals and summer fever, us semester kids are already enjoying vacation. Yup, our parents are doing our laundry and we’re hitting up all of our favorite local restaurants. Not that we need to, because we also have the option of some glorious home-cooked meals. Enjoy your sodium-rich diet and severely nutritionally imbalanced meals — we’ll just be over here drowning in homemade spaghetti sauce and clean clothes. Obviously, not at the same time.

You’re probably all killing yourselves over finals right now. Meanwhile, we haven’t opened a book in over a week. We’ve completely lost the muscle memory for any action other than scrolling. The other day, we tried to flip to the next page of a menu by poking the page and pushing upwards. Our brains are becoming vegetables (you know, those things that you haven’t eaten in nine weeks?) and it’s great.

Further evidence of our glorious summer break can be seen in our changed skin tone. Leaving the Bay Area means that we get to catch some blessed rays and recover from our severe vitamin D deficiency. After living in Main Stacks, which is literally underground, for the last two weeks of the semester our skin is basically the same color as when we left our mother’s womb. The same mother that is now doing our laundry. Enjoy your pasty complexion — sucks to suck.

So long as we’re talking about the strange travesty that is the collegiate quarter system, we have a few questions about the schedule. Do you ever take a midterm and a final on the same day? Is there a midterm during syllabus week? Or is it syllabus day? Syllabus second? Also, how do you deal with the severe struggle of getting textbooks three times a year? No offense, but the quarter system sounds like a gross violation of personal time and money.

All of the greatness of summer break aside, there’s a major drawback to our current situation. You’re not here with us. Life is sad and lonely without you people around. No one is here to hang out and admire our pristine wardrobe. And fun in the sun is a lot less fun when you have to fly solo. We would say that food has lost its taste, but there’s no need to get carried away.

Seriously, good luck with these last two weeks. Keep on keepin’ on and remember that this is the closest you’ve ever been to summer vacation 2k16.

Scuttle your butts home ASAP.

All our love,

Those of us already enjoying summer break

P.S. Did we mention the amazing laundry situation?