Locals only

Amanda Chung/File

We’ve all done it before — scoffed at the tourists gaping in the hometowns we’ve come to take for granted. Coming home from college definitely comes with a newfound appreciation for being a local and, with that, an entitled sense of all-knowingness. So here’s to all of those Internet dweebs out there who come to our sacred places of living and have absolutely no idea what they’re doing.

For starters, there’s the fact that tourists are strangely entranced with everything before them. There’s no way that today is the first time you’ve seen a pigeon, and it certainly won’t be your last. That being said, is a photo really necessary? We think not. You can never have too many albums of city trash cans, and clearly everything you see is a photo-op.

Speaking of extraneous picture taking, let’s just address the issue of taking photos in crosswalks. If you’re crossing the street there’s really no need to take a photo of the occasion. If you’re holding up traffic and risking your life to take a picture of the view in the middle of a cross walk, you’d better be making big bucks for that photo.

We’re not sure what the going rate for an iPhone picture of a street is, but it better be worth a whole lot. You’re going to have plenty of medical expenses to cover when you get run over by a car. Something tells us that “tourist desires” aren’t covered by insurance policies. In case it’s the first time in your life that you’ve ever braved the journey to the opposite sidewalk, please know that the task should be only approached for functionality. Let’s see some pep in your step. Yes, even chickens cross the road. You can too.

If you go to a little beach town and you’re from the inferior East Coast, please don’t honk your car horn. The beach is basically the mecca of relaxing, and you’re ruining the sanctity with that awful ruckus. What part of ‘hang loose’ is confusing? The only thing that people are trying to do here is relax, so let’s just take a chill pill. It’s never okay to honk obnoxiously unless you’re saving a child’s life or dealing with New York City rush hour.

Lastly, we get that you’re here to vacation and explore or whatever, but some of us live here and have things to do and people to see. It’s fine for you to lolly gag Downtown, but don’t do it in our way. You’re effectively slowing down the whole flow of the street with your pace. This isn’t the Colorado River — take your obstacle and relocate elsewhere.

Please know that so long as we’re inhabiting the land that we have become self-proclaimed experts on, we’re going to have an absolutely massive ego in regards to being a local. Despite the fact that we basically only live here three months out of the year, we like to think that we’re experts on the place. Never mind the fact that we still get lost Downtown and are unfamiliar with any changes that have been made in the last nine months. Honestly, it’s remarkable we can fit through standard doorways with the size of the ego that we take everywhere around our town.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].