That’s what (s)he said

Michael Drummond/File

Extreme procrastination and suffocating boredom are probably the two primary reasons students read administrative emails.

But it’s summer in Berkeley, and we at the Clog have nothing better to do than troll through these archives of mostly unread messages and excavate their perhaps deeper meanings. This highbrow piece showcases the brilliant fusion of basic computer science (learning about Command F was life changing) and 14-year-old boy humor, culminating in a list of the most “That’s What (S)he Said” worthy lines found within the text of these campuswide emails.

Shockingly, it was much harder than expected (that’s what (s)he said). We thought we’d have more to work with (that’s what (s)he said), but we persevered by using our imagination (that’s what (s)he said). Say it with us, everybody:

For safety reasons, law enforcement agencies encourage people not to wear masks (as they can impede vision) …” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from the one, the only Chancellor Nicholas Dirks.

There is no ‘right’ way to feel during this time.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from 
Harry Le Grande, vice chancellor of student affairs.

“…We will only succeed by working together.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from UC President Janet Napolitano.

“Young receivers wrap up great spring ball.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from Cal Football.

“Join us for treats, entertainment, and an opportunity to sign the beam …” That’s what (s)he said.
From ASUC Topping Out Ceremony flyer.

Thank you for giving during the holidays and every day of the year.” That’s what (s)he said.
From Berkeley Online, Vol 22, No. 8.

There is no charge for this service but registration is required.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from University Health Services regarding the Zika Virus.

This alignment will unite similar functions.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from Claire Holmes Associate Vice Chancellor of Public Affairs regarding housing.

“Yet, when all is said and done, safety is a shared responsibility …” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from Dirks.

“If you are leaving your room, bolt your door.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from UCPD.

We’ve included a waiver worksheet to make the process as seamless as possible.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from University Health Services.

In one year, you can gain the knowledge, and experience you will need to apply your STEM background to top positions …” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from the UC Berkeley Master of Financial Engineering Program.

For the hugely experienced there is a Pre-Professional Internship Program …” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from UC Choral Ensembles.

We are pleased to bring this service to you and trust you will find it convenient and easy to use.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from billingnotice, Welcome to CARS e-Bill.

The ninth annual public service conference will bring together more than 1,200 undergraduate and graduate student leaders to make ‘commitments to action.’” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from Claire Holmes, associate vice chancellor of public affairs, regarding the Clinton Global Initiative University.

“As with any complex endeavor, this is not something we can simply fix, forget, and leave behind.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from Chancellor Dirks.

“Thank you for your time and participation.” That’s what (s)he said.
Email from then-ASUC president Pavan Upadhyayula and then-Graduate Assembly president John Ready.

By now, you know the drill. That’s what (s)he said.

 

Contact Natalie Silver at [email protected].