9 times we confused Donald Trump for Borat Sagdiyev

Audrey McNamara/File

While doing crucial research for last week’s “Who said it?” column, which featured quotes from famous Golden Bears, we discovered a disturbingly uncanny resemblance between two of this country’s most beloved clowns. We at the Clog couldn’t help but notice some striking parallels between the comically unassimilated and politically incorrect fictional Kazakh and our very own Republican nominee for the upcoming presidential election. Somehow, Borat Sagdiyev and Donald Trump seem to take very similar stances on some huge, real-life issues. Can you separate Borat’s comic hyperbole from the Trumps legitimate public statements?

 On abortion

“There has to be some form of punishment,” Trump told MSNBC in reference to women who might seek abortion if it were to be banned.

“I feel very strong about this because in Kazakhstan, my brother Bilo, he have a child, uh, born with hair all over his face and nose. On arms, hair. Everywhere hair. And his wife say ‘Throw him,’ but I say, ‘No, save him.’ And now he make them very much money and he travel around the country in a tent. People pay money to see children like him and other strange ones.”

On penis size and power

“We say in Kazakhstan, a man who go to power must have a big — how you say … uh … khrum?”

“Look at those hands, are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” It’s probably just a “Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off.”

On the patriarchy

“But is it not a problem that the woman have the smaller brain than the man? The government scientist … prove that it is size of squirrel.” Borat even had the science to back it up.

“I would never buy Ivana any decent jewels or pictures. Why give her negotiable assets?” A real classy move, Don.

On sexism and denial

“It’s not sexist. It’s true. Just a very, very true statement. If she were a man she’d get five percent (of the vote),” Trump said to support his claim that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has garnered power and support by playing the “woman’s card.”

“But women are not equal to men!” Borat rebutted upon being told that women in America can, in fact, vote.

On narcissism

“I like you, do you like me?” This is a signature Borat line and a classic move, lovingly asking for respect in the midst of outrage.

“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” — Donald Trump

On young wives and money

“When I buy my wife, at the start she was good, her vazhin work well and she strong on plow. After three years when she was 15, she become weak, her voice become deep … she receive hair on her chest, and her vazhin hang like sleeve of wizard.”

In his own words, Donald Trump is “really rich.” Who could resist? Former supermodel Melania Trump may be 24 years younger than her husband, but at least she’s intelligent and capable of creative thought.

On guns

Borat in an interview with Ken Goldberg, Dallas/Fort Worth Gun Range and Training Center owner: “This is what a man should do. A man should be able to shoot a gun and enjoy (starts squeezing imaginary breasts)…” Goldberg: “… enjoy naked women, yes.” Borat: “High five!”

Borat: “[I feel] like a real man when you shoot. It feel good. Your body feel alive, good, like a proper man.” Goldberg: “Especially when you’re shooting a machine gun.” Borat: “Yes!”

Donald Trump: “And as far as going hunting with my boys, that would be something that I’d love to do. I’ve done it before, but I’d love to do it.”

“If the people so violently shot down in Paris had guns, at least they would have had a fighting chance.” — Donald “king of sensitivity” Trump

On incestual jokes

“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” That’s right, Donald Trump has openly said he would date his daughter. No surprises there.

“She is my sister. She is number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.” Said with the acceptable amount of pride, Borat is just showing his support for his sister’s success.

On containment

The best Borat moment of all time occurs during his performance of what he claims to be a nationalist folk tune, “In My Country There is Problem in a divey Arizona bar. In a loud, off-key plea, he delivers “Throw the Jew down the well and my country will be free!” which was, somehow, unsurprisingly well-received.

Oh, haven’t you heard? Donald Trump says he “will build a great wall” in order to “free” our country from the “criminals” and “rapists,” but “some, [he] assume[s], are good people.” 

Contact Natalie Silver at [email protected].