Everyone’s favorite wine night happened twice this week. That’s right, “The Bachelorette” aired on both Monday and Tuesday and featured all the sequins, roses and tears typical of JoJo and this relatively boring season. The “Men Tell All” episode told us all we needed to know about our shallow Bachelorette, our lame guys (for the most part) and all the drama that’ll occur in the next “Bachelor” installment. That’s right, “Bachelor in Paradise” is coming to us faster than we ever thought possible — next week after the three hour live “Bachelorette” finale. As die-hard “Bachelor” fans, we at the Clog give you the gift of our incredibly spirited commentary on JoJo, her men and why this season is basically a Band-Aid for Kaitlyn Bristowe’s crazy, unconventional season.
First of all, let’s talk about Chad. Wait no, let’s not — this episode was almost solely about him. Not only did he get his own trailer and his own personal security guard, but conversations about him, his own commentary and even all the flashbacks featured a whole lot of our favorite meathead. Because JoJo is really actually just boring and her whole deal is that she makes weird decisions and cries, Chad honestly was the only interesting thing about this whole season. Even if he was unnecessarily violent, ate a lot and was basically a steroidal frat bro, he was honest, he was real and he even scored a minion in the house full of guys who hated him (we’re lookin’ at you Canadian Daniel). Chad is our favorite troublemaker, we even kinda love that he had the gall to brag about his “connections” with Robby and Grant’s exes, and for revealing JoJo’s real name (it’s Joelle). Go you, Chad, thanks for giving this season some spice, even if your best insult is “your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.”
Now of course, we have to chat about the season’s most dramatic heartbreak: hot farm boy Marine, Luke. Even if we’ll never forgive JoJo for being stupid and sending him home just because he couldn’t say the word “love,” he still was making major strides for his true fate — not marrying JoJo, but becoming the next Bachelor. To be honest, Luke’s heartbreak has us swooning more than ever, and with his closing line, “I’m so ready for love,” Chris Harrison and Bachelor Nation know the inevitable: We’re in for a passionate next season, featuring country girls who are maybe as emotionally damaged as our boy Luke.
But let’s not forget the whole reason for our season, the Bachelorette herself, JoJo. Now, we’ve never really been JoJo’s biggest fan. Why does her nickname have two capitol Js? Why does she never talk about her job? Does she have a job? Even if she only is the “Bachelorette” because she was the victim of the tragic “I love you too” incident by last season’s Bachelor Ben, she has grown to prove herself as more shallow, boring and unreasonably emotional than we ever thought possible. She made some major errors in her season (Luke and Chase) and we’re honestly not sure if she’s going to accept a proposal next Monday. We do have to hand it to her though, she is goddamn gorgeous and has the “this-isn’t-funny-but-I’m-giggling laugh” down to a science. And, as the bloopers revealed, she looks to dogs for comfort, something we find very relatable.
As usual, the “Men Tell All” episode was far too long and focused on things we didn’t really care about. But, we loved seeing Chase and Nick B. (who even are you?) fight for air time, Chris Harrison instigate drama and JoJo get attacked by multiple bugs in the blooper reel. While some men got far too much time and some got far too little (Why was James Taylor never in the hotseat?), we still love knowing that Luke is an absolute sweetheart, Chad is an absolute jerk and everyone else is irrelevant. We can’t wait to see which athlete wins JoJo’s heart next Monday. As JoJo’s season ends, as Chad eloquently put, “sometimes you choose apples when you should have chosen pickles.”
Contact Gillian Perry at [email protected].