Olympians: They’re just like us

Approximately every 1,460 days we have the privilege, nay the honor, to witness superhumans perform on a global stage. In an astonishing feat of athleticism that is quite literally the best in the world, demigods from every corner of the planet come together to show us mere mortals just how superior they are. To us serfs, the Olympics are a great source of entertainment and national pride. But beyond that, the Games often beckon the question “why can’t we do that?” Well rest assured, spectators. We at the Clog are here to assure you that you, in fact, can never achieve what those superheroes are pulling off this August.

If ever there were a sport that seems so impossibly possible, it’s track and field. Those athletes are essentially just walking quickly, which seems like something we should all be capable of. Really, they’re taking one leg and placing it in front of the other repeatedly — something we’ve been doing since the ripe old age of 10 months. So it’s plausible that we could also be circle running in Rio ourselves. But our remarkable ability to trip over our own two feet clearly proves otherwise.

On a similar note, diving seems like a sport that we should be able to handle. We fall all the time. We’re hitting ground so much that our Apple Bottom jeans can’t handle how often we get low. For Pete’s sake, we fell three times on the way to Bechtel Engineering Center this morning. Not to mention the fact that we fell in love with three attractive strangers on Instagram this afternoon. Given how often we hit the deck you’d think we’d have gone pro for diving by now. Too bad when we fall it’s klutzy and unrequited. When Olympians fall, the heavens open and the water receives them as if they’re its own flesh and blood. What’s with that?

The very idea of us swimming is just pitiful. Even if you gave us a 15-minute head start in an all-out sprint across the pool, we’d still lose. We have two arms and lungs just like those gorgeous competitors, and yet we’re effectively incapacitated in any body of water larger than a puddle. This morning we accidentally got water up our nose in the shower and still haven’t fully recovered. Don’t get cocky, swimmers. Word on the street is that these guys eat 8,000 calories a day. You’re not special. We did that last Tuesday.

Don’t even get us started on gymnastics. Those beam routines are a whole level above Houdini’s magic. We return to the confusion over the fact that while we also have two legs, we are nowhere near capable pulling off what those gymnasts do. Although we’re built with the same parts, we can’t even begin to imagine walking, let alone doing flips, across anything narrower than six feet. Also big ups for tolerating any of those ludicrous point reductions that the judges may give out. We’d like to see those fogey farts perform a Russian Salchow rebound triple-double birdie cartwheel for par.

In conclusion, we’re all technically capable of being Olympians. We just never will be.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].