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Is Chancellor Dirks a werewolf?

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AUGUST 12, 2016

Chancellor Nicholas Dirks has long been a mystery to many of us. Since his appointment as chancellor in 2013, he’s had everything from anger to mustache-related obsession directed at him. After all these years of speculation, we at the Clog have stumbled upon a number of coincidences that, when put together, lead us to ask one very serious question: Is Nicholas Dirks, our esteemed chancellor, a werewolf?

Separation from campus community

Dirks has been accused of making himself inaccessible to the campus community, most recently when he installed an escape hatch near his office so he can avoid protesters should he need to. This decision, among others, has led to him being called elitist and aloof. But we at the Clog suggest that he is distancing himself from the community out of safety concerns. In almost every instance of werewolf lore where werewolves are living in secret among the community, they are forced to distance themselves in order to keep their condition secret and live safely. Otherwise, they risk killing innocent people, á la “An American Werewolf in London.”

Absence during the full moon

Have you ever seen Dirks during the night of the full moon? We at the Clog haven’t and we’re beginning to think it’s a little strange. We have, however, heard howling. Coincidence? Maybe not.

May not touch silver

In a similar vein, we at the Clog have never seen Dirks touch silver. It is widely accepted in werewolf lore that silver will burn or kill werewolves, so this possible lack of contact with the metal is highly suspicious.

Mustache prowess

Werewolves are notoriously hairy. Dirks’ mustache has been called a work of modern art and a facial hair miracle. But we have to wonder if that’s really a miracle at all — it could be one of the signs of lycanthropy manifesting itself in his human form.

Heightened senses and ability

In werewolf fiction such as “Teen Wolf” and “Twilight,” the werewolves are healed of most existing conditions, whether nearsightedness or chronic illness. Faking the need for glasses would be a clever way to evade detection. We’ve long questioned why Dirks chooses to wear such tiny glasses. In fact, it seems like he can’t even see out of those, because they’re smaller than his eyes and usually more at the end of his nose. Perhaps they’re only there as a front.

Lack of aging

Many fictional works involving werewolves also include an altered aging process, where the werewolf does not show visible signs of aging or appears to be invulnerable unless killed. In the time that Dirks has been in Berkeley, we have not noticed visible aging.

Fence around house

We all know about the fence that Dirks built around his house. But now we must ask — did he build it to keep students out? Or did he build it to keep something (himself) in? In “Harry Potter,” Remus Lupin transforms in the Shrieking Shack so he can’t bite people. Is this a similar situation? It would certainly explain the expense and importance of this fence.

We merely set out the evidence, but you must come to your own conclusions. Take caution on the bright nights of the full moon, Bears.

Contact Taylor Follett at [email protected].

AUGUST 12, 2016