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Joe Biden, leave the White House and come to Berkeley

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AUGUST 15, 2016

The man, the myth, the dude fueling Leslie Knope’s libido: Joe Biden.

You may know the uber-expressive, ice cream loving selfie savant as Vice President of the United States, but we at the Clog predict that by this time next year, he will be known as Berkeley’s local hero.

His lovable idiosyncrasies are expressed in brazen rhetoric and through a set of perfect teeth. He’s a fervent feminist who is never able to mask his distaste, and he clearly does not give two shits about succumbing to the behavioral expectations of his position.

In other words: Joe Biden is savage, and Joe Biden belongs in Berkeley.

  1.    He has his own language.

Everything that we would call “hella whack” or “v sus” Joe would say is a “bunch of malarkey.” If you think he sounds cray, just wait and check back in with us when you start acronymizing every other word in the real world. Somehow, it doesn’t always work out.

  1.    He endorsed Bruce Springsteen for President.

And allegedly works out to “Born to Run.”

  1.    He loves ice cream.

Hey Joe, one word: CREAM. It was even featured on an episode of Chopped.

  1.  He’s a passionate public advocate for sexual assault awareness, which, by the way, is so punk.

He demonstrated support and leadership for these issues by delivering a heartfelt speech at CU-Boulder this past year as part of the “It’s On Us Week of Action.”

This commitment to change and demonstration of understanding of an issue that is too often overlooked feels incredibly close to home on a college campus.

Biden wrote and passed the Violence Against Women Act, and wrote a public letter to the victim of the Brock Turner rape case in which he praised her courage.

  1.  He has unconditional love for Obama, and works well in a team.

If you haven’t seen the friendship bracelet he made the President for his birthday, Google that now. At UC Berkeley, we operate as one loud, dynamic and ferocious team. We love each other. Joe would fit right in.

  1.     Much like UC Berkeley students in 2002 tearing down the Stanford goalposts after losing Big Game, thus establishing school dominance and negating Stanford’s sense of victory, Biden is a shameless perpetrator of established rivalry.

Like, you know when he referred to House Republicans as a “Neanderthal crowd” when they attempted to stop the reauthorization of his baby, the Violence Against Women Act.

  1.    He is passionate and expressive.

Somehow, Biden’s facial expressions, ranging from incredulous bafflement to an extraordinarily sarcastic smile, during almost every single one of President Obama’s State of the Union Addresses look like something straight out of the Free Speech Movement. These WTF expressions were probably also demonstrated by the Tree People of 2008.

  1.    He looks great with long hair.

We at the Clog refuse to believe that photo from The Onion featuring Diamond Joe Biden, who seems to have stolen Lucius Malfoy’s hair stylist, is PhotoShopped.

  1. He loves cheerleaders .

Here’s a real quote from Biden: “Guess what, the cheerleaders in college are the best athletes in college. You think, I’m joking, they’re almost all gymnasts, the stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind.’’

Hey Joe, as the number one public university in the world, and with 27 NCAA D1 teams, get this: We have cheerleaders. Woo!

  1. He wore aviators to the inaugural mass of Pope Francis.

A badass paying homage to another badass — heartwarming.

Joe, you’ve already got an essential element of the frat aesthetic down. Buy a bucket hat and a neon bro tank at T-Shirt Orgy, and pretty soon you’ll have college girls coming up to you in Wurster Library asking you which brotherhood you’re a part of. You’re welcome.

  1. He reads and responds to The Onion or what Berkeley students know as “news.”
  1. He is a child, like us.

He loves selfies. He proudly shared his first ever Instagram post — a selfie with the POTUS himself. When approached by a young woman who said she had heard that he loves selfies, he responded: “Well…yeah.”

He makes poop jokes. “A successful dump!” Joe Biden said to reporters in 2008. Though he was trying to convey that he was simply dropping deadwood off at the dump, his comedic intentions are blatant and rewarding.

He makes penis jokes. In 2012 he tried to reference Theodore Roosevelt’s “speak softly and carry a big stick” quote by saying,  “I promise you, [President Barack Obama] has a big stick. I promise you.” When meeting up with Senator Dick Durbin and his family, he proclaimed “Dick! I’ll tell you what, it’s easy to swear at you.” Dick was not amused.

  1.  He’s Irish! And god knows we love the Irish.

“I may be Irish but I’m not stupid!” He said to an Irish American woman. Though some have interpreted this as an Anti-Irish, Irish Central seem to think it’s hilarious.

  1. He says “fucking.”

“An hour late, oh give me a fucking break,” Joe Biden said in 2009 speaking to a colleague at an Amtrak Station in Washington, D.C.

“This is a big fucking deal!” Joe Biden said to President Barack Obama in 2010, during the signing ceremony for Obama’s Health Care bill.

  1. He subtly bashes the system

“In the good old days when I was a senator, I was my own man,” he said. Sounds a lot like…

“There’s a time…when the operation of the machine…becomes so odious…” You know the rest. UC Berkeley wouldn’t be UC Berkeley if we didn’t bash the regime weaving us all together.

You’ve got to respect a dude who has the balls to criticize the very flawed system in which he is so deeply embedded.

So students, don’t fret.

Maybe this whole “leaving office” deal is a good thing. Now we, as students, can get the real Joe outside of the political context. Kind of like seeing Lars Ulrich spearhead a creative panel for Berkeley students at Zellerbach Hall last spring. Start with a panel in Zellerbach, Joe, then hang around … possibly forever.

Hey Joe, we’re ready for you.

Contact Natalie Silver at [email protected].

AUGUST 15, 2016