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What frats could serve instead of Vitali

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AUGUST 25, 2016

As the start of the school year gets under way, the men in fraternity houses seem intent on serving as much Vitali as physically possible in order to make sure everyone forgets about this upcoming ordeal. Although the sight of freshmen shuddering with each shot is amusing, there’s definitely room for improvement in these bartending strategies.

For starters, everyone seems to have forgotten about Yoo-hoo chocolate milk, so it’s time that this chocolate flavored drink is brought back. It’s like the chocolate milk version of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! That alone should blow your mind more than Vitali will destroy your liver. Another “dairy” item that hass fallen off the face of the earth and could be featured on a “Where Are They Now” show is GO-GURTS. If these were served alongside Yoo-hoo drinks, 2005 would be truly resurrected.

If you’re ever in an awkward situation at a party, you could grab a Capri Sun from a nearby table, stomp on it and fly up through the roof to get away. This makes for a mischievous exit while also guaranteeing your chance of being banned from that frat for life. For situations in which a quick getaway is not necessary, there could be a slap the Kool-Aid game instead of the classic slap the wine bag.

Of course, there would need to be a water shot station where people avoiding drinking could grab fake shots and pretend to drink alongside their friends. There will be no carrying Harry to the ferry in Newport on this night. For those who are feeling particularly ambitious, there could be some Sprite shots served at the same station.

If there’s no time to rearrange the bartending situation, then Vitali must be offered as a last resort. In this case, snacks will need to be whipped out in order to serve as chasers. Highly recommended snacks are Gushers, Sour Patch Kids and, of course, Yogurt Park. But frats are as close to offering free Yogurt Park at parties as Sproul is likely to being quiet and calm during the first week of school.

Although Vitali is certainly not admired by all, it’s one of the things that makes partying at UC Berkeley so disgustingly unique. All schools have a different brand of alcohol which they use most often and in fact, most people on the East Coast have never even heard of Vitali. So while our liver certainly can’t live with Vitali, our school can’t live without it.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].

AUGUST 24, 2016