A guide to making friends as a freshman

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During the very first week of school, UC Berkeley can be an intimidating place. From the people who jump out at you yelling to sign some random petition to ban Times New Roman font to the 800-person lectures, it’s a unique, eye-opening, strange yet lively place. College will teach you everything — how to get from the top of Bancroft Way to Free Speech Movement Cafe in four minutes, which bus route to take where. Some of the most important things that you’ll learn will come from the people you meet within the school itself. This is why we here at the Clog felt it to be absolutely necessary to make a guide on how to make friends specifically tailored to freshmen.

During some of your first classes, it’s absolutely essential that you sit on the seat at the very end of the row so that you can greet each flustered person coming in late and force them to make their way to the remaining seats in the middle of the row. Big bonus to whoever sticks out their feet into the row in front of them so that the students trying to get to the seats in the middle have to struggle, thus giving you more time to talk to them. There’s nothing like a strong first impression.

Another important first step is to blast music from your phone speakers while walking places. This will allow everyone to hear your taste in music which will automatically make them like you. Headphones are the largest social catastrophe you could ask for.

You should always take your time while ordering coffee or food at the Golden Bear Cafe because it allows the people behind you in line to really think about what they want. If they seem like they’re really struggling to make a decision, make sure you keep your order nice and complicated. Never order something as simple as a coffee; instead, get something like a half-blended, thirty percent milk, fat-free, goat-milk only, grass included, vegan, zero calories drink.

After you’ve mastered these tricky tips, move on to the actual socializing part. The first handshake can be a make-it-or-break-it type of moment. So when they stick out their hand, make sure you grasp it firmly and wring it up and down for at least 20 seconds and at an incline of 30 degrees.

Next, it’s important to remember to talk as fast as possible while introducing yourself at the end of every sentence. This will guarantee that you come off as chill and they’ll never forget your name. You might even want to get crafty and make a name tag for yourself.

After you’ve introduced yourself, take drastic measures and spill coffee on them so that they’ll be forced to go to the bathroom. In that time, take their phone from them and text yourself from their phone so that you have their number. Then text them every 30 minutes the following days to make sure they’re healthy and alive. Possible texts include, “How does the air temperature feel from where you’re sitting in this class?”

With this guide, we here at the Clog are confident that the Class of 2020 will be the most social grade to ever come through UC Berkeley. By the time graduation rolls around, this grade will be the most efficient coffee spilling, double texting, handshake destroying grade out there.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].