If Hogwarts had sorority recruitment

Jessica Rogness/File

Imagine Harry Potter climbing out of those boats with Ron and Hagrid in his first year only to be greeted by Professor McGonagall screaming and clapping for Harry to come join Gryffindor, the best house in the Great Hall. During this hectic time of sorority recruitment, we here at the Clog thought it would be interesting to see what would happen to Harry if he had been sorted into a Hogwarts house the way it happens in the real world.

First of all, all the screaming and clapping by Professor McGonagall would probably have made Harry cry because everything on the face of the planet reminds him of his dead parents. Then, his scar probably would have hurt, but that also just could be a headache.

As all the first years file into the entrance of Hogwarts, they would be greeted with all of the staff dressed in color-coordinated robes; even Filch, the caretaker, would put on his best-worst robes. Not soon after, Dumbledore would step out to greet the students and say, “Welcome. I am Professor Albus Dumbledore, the president here at Hogwarts.” Then, the Sorting Hat would appear out of nowhere and say, “And I am the Sorting Hat, the vice president of recruitment here at Hogwarts.”

Next, all the students would be separated into four groups and go to see each of the common rooms. In each of the common rooms, there would be short talks of what each house does to bond and what sort of services the elves provide for them. In the Gryffindor common room, Professor McGonagall would praise all of the natural light while in the Slytherin common room, Professor Snape would praise all of the dark wizards who had grown to fame through Slytherin.

After the first day, all of the first years would write their top choices down onto a slip of paper and put it into the Sorting Hat. Then the next morning, the first years, all dressed in pointed hats, would revisit the common rooms of their top three house choices. Each consecutive day, each student would drop one more house until at last, on the fourth day, they would get their final house. This Bid Day would be filled with Fred and George Weasley’s exploding fireworks.

If Harry had gone through a sorting process like this, there’s a solid chance he would’ve been expelled before he had even gotten into a house. While touring the Slytherin bathrooms, Harry probably would’ve seen a leaky faucet and gone to investigate the source of all this evilness. Then, most likely, Harry would’ve just made the leaky faucet situation worse and have nearly drowned in the sink before Hermione and Ron noticed and saved him.

So, all in all, it’s a good thing Hogwarts doesn’t recruit like sororities do. Although a recruitment video made by Slytherin would be a sight to see.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].