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What to do in Berkeley while you help save Nelly

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SEPTEMBER 15, 2016

This week, we at the Clog are slipping on our old St. Louis Rams jerseys, slapping Band-Aids on our cheeks and donning our dusty do-rags in solidarity with our dearly beloved Nelly. According to TMZ, this early 2000s hip hop legend owes a whopping $2,412,283 on a federal tax lien and $149,511 in state back taxes. Yikes.

But Nelly lovers of the world over have rallied around their music/fashion/lifestyle icon, and, as a testament to the human spirit, have vowed to stream his music endlessly until he’s made enough royalty money to pay his lien off. MarketWatch did the math, and listeners will have to stream between 304,975,476 and 426,965,666 Nelly songs or 24,398,039 hours of his music on Spotify in order to cover his debt.

So open up Spotify if you’re normal or your free trial for Pablo-turned-reluctant-subscription-of-Tidal and peruse Nelly’s discography. From Country Grammar to Brass Knuckles, the gold-toothed Grammy winner pulls at your heart strings and implores you to “take off all your clothes.” There’s something for everyone, including us UC Berkeley students. So here are 15 quintessentially Berkeley moments perfect for listening to Nelly songs. Let’s help this Midwestern mogul out.

  1. #1 — In this track off Nellyville, the Black Liberace explores the question “What does it take to be number one?” It seems that we, as students, ponder as well what it takes to achieve our dreams and be the best in our respective fields. Press play on this song during your most introspective moments.
  2. Dilemma — The eternal struggle of whether to go to morning lectures; that is truly our dilemma. Let Kelly Rowland’s dulcet tones and Nelly’s rugged declarations give voice to your quandary.
  3. Thicky Thick Girl — Bump this jam when you’re walking up the campus hill from Li Ka Shing to Evans Hall. You’ll be able to feel your booty werk and fantasize about being the Thicky Thick Girl of Nelly’s dreams.
  4. Not In My House — Throw this tune on at the end of your house party when all the nasties have coupled off and are making out in your house. That’ll make you want to scream “not in my house!”
  5. Splurge — Nelly might be splurging on “cars and diamonds,” but as he not-so-sheepishly admits “I’m feelin’ good about myself, so I, I splurge a lil,” we all can relate. Hit play on this track when you hand your debit card over for that $4.50 vanilla latte at Equator.
  6. Ciroc & Simply Lemonade — Nelly is all of us with this ode to a fruity concoction. Although frats might replace Ciroc with Vitali, the chaser/mixer remains the same. It seems whether you’re $80,000 or $2.5 million in debt, you love a good vodka lemonade.
  7. Ride Wit Me — This song is perfect to listen to when you spot a classic Berkeley couple cruising down Bancroft Avenue double-teaming a Razor Scooter, and wrapped in a Snuggie. There’s no “if” — you definitely do “wanna go and take a ride with (them).”
  8. On The Grind — Have you been sitting in Main Stacks with your nose in a variety of expensive books for what feels like days? It’s possible you might be on the grind and it might be the perfect moment for you to bump “On The Grind.”
  9. Tho Dem Wraps — Although not one person knows what this song means (zero annotations!), we’re pretty sure Nelly is referring to the dank wraps at Pat Brown’s. You may shed a thug tear when Nelly proclaims “Gotta get myself a million/Gonna turn that into a billion,” considering his current financial woes.
  10. Hot In Herre — We all know this one; it’s September in Berkeley and there’s a serious possibility that you’re roasting in the hot, hot oven that is Dwinelle Hall. Enjoy the sweat beads trickling down your butt crack as you seriously consider taking off all your clothes.

Nelly is a living legend — there’s no two ways about it. His cheek Band-Aid was one of the most iconic fashion statements of the 2000s and he repped his hometown harder than any rapper ever has. We at the Clog implore you to press play on his very first song and just let that shit go for a couple days, otherwise, his portrayal of Megget in “The Longest Yard” may hit too close to home.

Sasha Ashall is the assistant blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].

SEPTEMBER 15, 2016