Horoscopes for this week

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From last minute grade changes to drastic weather within one day, Berkeley is as unpredictable as it gets. Since we know college can be a confusing, crazy time, we here at the Clog decided to make some horoscopes for this week to bring a little stability to this town.

Aries

It’s not looking too good for you, friend. You’re probably going to trip on Sproul on Tuesday, followed by an awkward interaction with your GSI where you ask them if they’re pregnant and they’re just not. Your love life isn’t looking a lot better, as an ex-love will probably get mad at you and smack you sometime this week.

Taurus

A vegan is going to get very mad at you for forgetting about their veganism sometime this week. You’ll have a nice talk on the phone with your parents because you won’t mention what happened this past Game Day, but then you’ll remember what happened this past Game Day and feel slightly nauseous again. You won’t find love this week because Wheeler is closed and you’re destined to find the love of your life there. Better luck next semester.

Gemini

Your week will start off right as you get a free Pacific Cookie Company treat. A homeless man will most likely attempt to spit on you, but you’ll play it off all cool and continue on your way to class. You’ll get a good grade on an assignment you’re stressing out about, only to fail a different one. You’ll discover new found love as you realize peanut butter goes well with apples.

Cancer

One of those weird prostitute accounts will attempt to follow you on Instagram once again. Your mom will get angry at you for spending too much money at La Burrita, but you can tell her that you can’t imagine your life without burritos so she will just have to accept your spending choices. You’ll be very bad at avoiding eye contact this week and will, unfortunately, make eye contact with every person handing out fliers on Sproul.

Leo

You’ll break at least one dryer this week, and as a result, will have wet underwear for a very long time. You’ll also attempt to steal a composite sometime this week and then awkwardly be caught stealing it. It’s okay, remember you have to take some losses before you can have victories. But you’ll find a nice sweatshirt that you’ll successfully steal.

Virgo

It’s going to be a good week! You’ll be better about not procrastinating this week and you’ll actually make it to class on time (thank every single lucky star in this universe for Berkeley time). You’ll somehow find yourself in an anti-Dirks rally and won’t know how you ended up there.

Libra

Your week will start off a little poorly as you lose your keys once again. But, things start to look up by Friday when you buy some cheese. On Saturday, you’ll forget your limit and end up bonding with a toilet. A good friend will stay a good friend as they take care of you.

Scorpio

On Wednesday, you’ll forget about a club meeting and have to sprint all the way to campus in the dark. On the way there, a random person on the street will ask you if you’d like to live on a boat with them. Resist the temptation to say yes. Shit will hit the fan by Thursday as your work piles up.

Sagittarius

This week will be rough in terms of procrastination. You’ll spend a decade on an assignment meant to last 30 minutes. Stay away from Youtube, it’s your arch nemesis this week. But all of the “puppy meets baby cow” videos you’ll watch will be good for your soul. On Saturday, you’ll find new romance.

Capricorn

Your mind will be a little confused this week, and as a result, you’ll forget your name several times while introducing yourself to strangers. A lot of people will think you’re bad at first impressions, but you’ll win their hearts eventually. Take a risk and wear your overalls Wednesday.

Aquarius

You’ll lose a prized possession somewhere in the depths of 2722. You’ll just have to take this loss. Pizza will also hurt you this week as you burn the roof of your mouth biting into a slice. You need to learn to have a little patience, child. It’s OK though, sometimes the things we love the most hurt us the most.

Pisces

This week you’ll find love in a grocery store. It may be food but it also might be another person. You’ll also get an unfortunate haircut that resembles Dirks’ unibrow. You’ll find a penny, face down, but at least now you have a penny.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].