You’ve just sat down at the Free Speech Movement Café patio with your favorite drink, and perhaps a pastry, ready to get some work done between classes without distraction. Yet as soon as you sit down, you hear a little scratching noise beneath your chair. Looking down, you find yourself face to face with a specimen, part of one of Berkeley’s most fascinating populations: a squirrel. This one is searching for food and is just one of the types of squirrels you can run into at FSM. Without further ado, we at the Clog present to you a list of the types of squirrels spotted at FSM.*

1. The beggar

This type of squirrel will jump anywhere it physically can to stare at your food, hoping you’ll give it even a few crumbs. We all know it’s morally incorrect to give the squirrel your morning bun, but FSM squirrels don’t think so. They’ll passive aggressively try to get your food by jumping on your table, the chair across from you or maybe even your neighbor’s table.

2. The creeper

These squirrels will stealthily creep up on you, and you’ll only notice them when they’re inches away from you and/or your food. They’re so quiet that you won’t see them climb into your partially open backpack, climb up the back of your chair or even, on rare instances, dare to climb up your leg to get to your table faster.

3. The attempting-to-go-unnoticed squirrel

Occasionally, you might see a squirrel trying to go unnoticed. Perhaps it’s not feeling too well, isn’t interested in hogging students’ attention or is simply too full from all the food it’s eaten to be its usually active self. Instead, believing no one can see it, this squirrel will lay flat on the wall dividing the patio from the trees. The squirrel will rest in this position for a few minutes and then get up to crawl normally when no one is supposedly looking. We hope this type of squirrel isn’t sick, but rather trying to take a break from all of our Snapchat stories.

4. The diva squirrel

And last but not least, there’s a fourth type of squirrel, one that can be spotted on campus and at FSM. This squirrel harasses people and other animals for pure entertainment. It’ll chase birds, it’ll fight with other squirrels or it’ll jump from tree to tree and table to table just because it knows it can. It’ll move slowly and make you wait to get to your destination, whether it be to the trash can or to the door. And this squirrel does all of this simply for the pure pleasure of knowing that you’ll post a video or picture of it in action to one of your social media accounts.

In the end, we, as humans, won’t have that much power on campus, especially at FSM. We must come to terms with the fact that the FSM squirrels get, and will always get, more attention than us, and it’s highly likely that we actually won’t get much work done because of their shenanigans.

*Inspired by a true story.