We at the Clog are not the biggest fans of Mondays, but this Monday, something feels different. There’s excitement in the air. We can almost feel the political pundits adjusting their ties and clicking their heels as the always-running political machines jump into even higher gear. “What’s the occasion?” you might be asking yourself. “It’s just a Monday like any other,” you might be thinking.

Oh, gentle reader, how wrong you are. Why, today is the day of the first of three presidential debates, and anyone who’s anyone will be gathered around some sort of screen to watch the action. Most major networks will be carrying the debate, though we recommend tuning into C-SPAN, which will have the most precise and uninterrupted coverage. There will be enough talking from the candidates, you don’t need to hear from the pundits, too.

Because the debate will last about an hour and a half, you’ll have plenty of time to listen and drink. However, we don’t want you going overboard, which is why our drink of preference (for those of us 21 and over) is one or two large beers. If you play the game right, you’ll stay on top of the debate and won’t be drinking too much.

So, without further ado, take a small sip of your drink (beer, juice, soda, wine, etc.) when…

1. The word “bigly” is used as an adjective.
2. The word “bigly” is used as an adverb.
3. The word “bigly” is used incorrectly.
4. Hillary Clinton says “the Republican nominee” to avoid saying Donald Trump’s name.
5. Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s endorsement is brought up.
6. You see Ted Cruz crying quietly in the background.
7. Either candidate’s age is brought up.
8. Ronald Reagan is alluded to.
9. Trump makes a direct plea to Bernie Sanders’ primary supporters.
10. Obama’s legacy is brought up with contempt.
11. Obama’s legacy is brought up with pride.
12. Climate change is called a global threat.
13. There’s discussion about a wall.
14. Trump implies someone can’t do their job because of one aspect of their identity.
15. Eric Trump looks constipated.
16. Ivanka Trump’s looks are alluded to.
17. Something or someone’s idea is “yuge.”
18. Trump’s orangeness is reminiscent of one young John Boehner.
19. The Clinton Foundation is mentioned.
20. The Trump Foundation is mentioned.
21. Clinton really listens.

Take a big sip of your drink when….

1. Obama’s citizenship is confirmed by Trump.
2. You stop listening to the candidates and start daydreaming about Bill Clinton playing with balloons.
3. You wish you could be hanging out with Tim Kaine and Joe Biden instead of watching this debate.
4. You throw something at the screen.
5. You catch yourself looking up the cost of living in Australia.