Exercise is for the weak

Amy Shen/File

Don’t watch those new episodes that were just added to Netflix. Don’t sleep through lecture for the fourth time this week. Don’t exercise.

You heard us, disregard the pleas of Michelle Obama and the American Heart Association and avoid physical activity at all costs. Contrary to popular belief, the risks and negative externalities that come with exercise are not worth the health benefits. We at the Clog are encouraging you to take on a sedentary and horizontal lifestyle.

You shouldn’t work out if you care about the planet. We’re in a drought and working out should, hygienically, be followed by showering. Unfortunately, bathing is basically killing the environment. The average shower takes a whopping 17.2 gallons of water. Didn’t your mother ever teach you to waste not, want not? It would be wildly inconsiderate to use such a precious resource unnecessarily. Grass is dying! Goldfish are homeless! Check your water-hogging privilege and avoid cardiovascular exercise at all costs.

If destroying the environment isn’t reason enough for you to avoid exercise, the risk of injury should quell your strange fitness desires. Exercise comes with the undeniable risk of getting hurt. Even Olympic athletes aren’t immune to injury, and heavens knows you’re no Michael Phelps. It’s better to play it safe and minimize your chances of calling University Health Services by keeping your keister parked on the couch.

If the prospect of having to spend the next four afternoons in the University Health Services Tang Center waiting room isn’t enough to have you quitting after warm up, imagine getting around campus while wounded. It’s enough of a struggle to muster the energy for commuting when all your appendages are fully functioning, never mind when you’re suffering from exercise-induced handicaps. The very idea of trudging from Kroeber Hall to the Genetics and Plant Biology building with a sprained ankle is enough to send a shudder down your spine.

If you’re really that desperate to bump up your heart rate, wait until the very last minute to submit an essay on bCourses. If your paper is due at 11:59 p.m., wait until 11:58 p.m. to open your internet browser. Nothing gets the blood pumping quite like the possibility of failure.

If you really think about it, going out of your way to explicitly work out is pretty unnecessary. Just this morning, you used your abdominal muscles to sit up in bed, not to mention the intense tricep workout that came with shoveling cereal into your mouth for breakfast.

Rest assured, we aren’t fooled by how easy you make all that heavy lifting look. Plus, walking from Qualcomm Cafe to the Valley Life Sciences Building with a massive backpack in tow is equivalent to running a marathon. That’s enough cardio to last a lifetime. With all that training you’ll have a six-pack in no time.

As you can see, working out is wildly unnecessary. So do yourself and the environment a favor and steer clear of any forms of exercise. You can forget about that cheesecake you ate yesterday. Cheesecake is essentially just cheese and crackers, which means that you basically had light appetizers for dinner last night. You’re a beacon of health and a role model for fitness.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].