You know who we’re talking about. It’s that one person on your floor who can’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep, leaves their trash strewn across the lounge, blasts horrid music that’s loud enough for the next building over to hear and unnecessarily unloads their various problems onto you when you’re obviously not interested. But never fear — we at the Clog have been there and have devised our own quick guide for you to deal with that special someone.
Revert to your middle school music taste.
If this particular floormate enjoys being loud in the midst of your precious beauty sleep, waste that valuable time of yours, wake up at the crack of dawn and bump to some of the most irritating songs in existence — i.e., “Friday” by Rebecca Black. In the meantime, you’ll probably become aggravated with yourself and others might even mistake you the person you’re trying to annoy. But hey, at least you made them suffer. Unless they truly love “Friday” — if this is the case, we’re sorry, but we can’t help you.
Give them a taste of their own medicine.
If your beauty sleep and sanity are too important to partake in revenge that involves getting up early, head down to your nearest dining hall with your to-go box in hand, swipe in, fill ‘er up and dump the contents of the box into your floormate’s room when they forget to shut their door. Trust us, it’ll be worth the swipe. Don’t forget to check with their roommates first to make sure they’re okay with a visit from a family of fruit flies later. They should be grateful, since they’re probably just as annoyed as you are.
Find ways to make sure they never enter the building.
Whether it’s spending what little you have left in your broke-college-kid bank account to hire a professional staller for an entire day or shredding up your annoying floormate’s Cal 1 Card, do all you can to make sure that this person never steps foot on your stomping ground. You’ll gain some inner peace and avoid that feeling of your vein popping out of your forehead when you’re restraining yourself from yelling at them to shut up. If you’re really desperate, just pull the fire alarm every time they walk in.
Develop a new language with the rest of your floor.
Get together in your lounge with the rest of your floor while your annoying floormate is being stalled by that professional staller you hired and develop a new language that you can use when making plans, or even when having a conversation in general. Now, your agitating floormate can’t ask to tag along when you’re going somewhere or chime in and add their irrelevant two-cents to a discussion. They’ll also be super confused and get to look like a chicken running around with its head cut off.
If this particular person is so bothersome and infuriating that you’re no longer able to tolerate their presence, just get out of your building and soak up the sun. Or fog. Sorry, we can’t predict the weather. Be sure to set up a motion sensor annoying-floormate-detector with a built in alarm so that you know when it’s time to dip. Outta sight, outta mind, right?
Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].