As we move past the summer heat and into the brisk cold of fall, the freezer filled with popsicles at Crossroads is bound to be forgotten. Their jokes, however, will not be. Popsicle stick jokes are a breed of their own, ranking somewhere between dad jokes and knock knock jokes. They’re the type of jokes that make you wonder why you even bothered to read the punchline. But with more midterms and research papers approaching, perhaps we could use all the light-hearted humor we can get. Here at the Clog, we have likely eaten more popsicles than Crossroads has ever gone through in the month of September in order to bring you the best and worst jokes wooden sticks have to offer. Here are the results of our intense investigation.
What kind of tree would have the best bark? Dogwood.
This one was disappointing. The setup makes it all too obvious what the punchline will be. The leap from bark to dog is not a difficult one to make. 2 points out of 10.
What did the dog say to the bone? I’m pleased to eat you.
The punchline to this joke can be applied to any setup that involves eating. What did the rabbit say to the carrot? What did the horse say to the hay? What did no one ever say to the Chinese food from Crossroads? -10 points out of 10.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese.
You know a joke is bad when the popsicle partially obscures the setup, making it read “What do you ca- … that’s not yours?” and yet you still know the answer. Maybe this joke was amusing the first time you heard it from your uncle. It is not amusing the 12th time you hear it from a stick. -12 points out of 10.
Why was the baby comforter so sad? It was a little down.
A single “Ha!” is all this joke evoked, but that’s much more than you can say about most of these punchlines. Because it incorporated the fact that the comforter is both small and made of down, this joke gets relatively high marks. 6.5 points out of 10.
What kind of shoe does a thief wear? Sneakers.
This is the type of joke that makes you feel ashamed for laughing, but you laugh nonetheless. The image of a thief putting on sneakers in order to be more sneaky is enough to push this joke into a top spot. 8 points out of 10.
What’s the hardest thing about learning how to ride a bike? The pavement.
Finally, a joke that elicits a genuine, unashamed laugh. Not only is the punchline unexpected, it also implies that you fell off your bike. It’s refreshing to get roasted by a popsicle stick, even if it is just a mild burn. 9.8 out of 10.
As expected, the world of popsicle stick jokes is overwhelmingly bad. The jokes are often too predictable, and the popsicles themselves aren’t particularly tasty. However, there are enough pleasant surprises to keep us eating them through the colder months.
Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].