With seven weeks of the semester behind us, we’re officially in the middle of the our 15-week-long struggle. The midterms epidemic is sweeping through the student body, and the relaxing days of syllabus week are merely fond memories from the past. During this time, it’s easy to get caught up in the woes of life and throw yourself a solo pity party for all to see. However, similarly to your frat party stories from last weekend, nobody wants to hear about your personal experience. Your problems aren’t our problems, so don’t come to us for coddling or sympathy. We at the Clog have no interest in providing the entertainment at your pity party, and would appreciate being removed from the guest list.
For starters, we’re all sleep-deprived. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying through their teeth. Whether or not we’re exhausted from studying or Tumblr is irrelevant. The point is that you’re not special, just another member of the huddled masses yearning to be free. We’re all tired, and most likely hungry, so your constant whining of fatigue is both annoying and ordinary. If you want our attention, share something interesting. Perhaps show us that you’re double-jointed, or perform a fun magic trick. We at the Clog are always searching for new talent to write about. Better yet, hop on your closest friend’s back and recreate a medieval jousting scene. We don’t care what you do, just don’t complain about how tired you are.
Anyone who asserts that they “don’t have time to eat” is clearly out of their mind. We’ve been putting food into our mouths and chewing since we were nine months old. Rather than spending all of your time complaining about your embarrassing inability to feed yourself, you should probably seriously consider the fact that you are developmentally behind a toddler. According to social Darwinism, your genes would have faded out during the Mesozoic era.
Eating isn’t rocket science, people. Grab a bar or a banana if you know you’re going to get hungry. If you’re smart enough to get through Chemistry 3A, you should be able to understand the concept of eating a snack. In case the task seems too challenging for you, here’s a Sparknotes version of the process: grasp food, manipulate it into an edible form, insert it into your whining mouth and consume. We know that sounds complicated, but we have faith in you. You can do it.
Another ludicrous issue with today’s teenagers is the method of humble bragging. The practice of thinly veiling boastful remarks with useless grievances is a thorn in everyone’s side. It’s not that your accomplishment isn’t awesome. Getting an A on anything is a huge deal, so congratulations! Heck yeah, you rocked that test! You’re going to rock every one there after! This being said, please cut the crap about how you’re a victim of getting an A rather than and A+ and just be proud of yourself. The goal of your disguised bragging is to get someone to stroke your ego, so just cut out the middle man and do it yourself. Stop fishing for comfort over a nonissue and reel in the limp line of feigned disgruntlement.
We get it, life’s a struggle and yours is the hardest of all. The troubles that you face are tragic, but even more tragic is the fact that nobody cares. So cry us a river, but don’t drown in your tears.