As the semester drags on and midterms and papers continue to slap us in the face, the struggle to get out of bed and put effort into looking presentable for our tragically difficult days as UC Berkeley students becomes more and more real. Now that you’re at the halfway point of the semester and possibly ready to drop out, laziness has become the epitome of your existence. Feeling half-asleep might as well be the new awake. If making it to class on time with the minimal effort required is your number one priority and looking put together is no longer a concern of yours, keep reading, because we at the Clog have created a guide for you to be the lowest maintenance student you can be.
Never do your laundry — just Febreze your clothes.
Ah, Febreze. Or as we at the Clog like to call it, “magic.” Behold: a perfect, low-maintenance solution to one of the worst chores of all time — laundry. Realistically, the amount of effort it takes to haul your stockpile of dirty clothes to the laundry machines and back probably isn’t worth it. It may be a great workout, but exercise isn’t your goal here (has it ever been?). And finding quarters to pay for it? Forget about it. Your clothes don’t need a deep cleansing — all they need is a fresh coat of “Hawaiian Aloha” Febreze and they’re good to go.
Invest in one of these:
Now you can take the warmth and comfort of your bed with you on the go. The sleeping bag suit may be one of the most innovative, versatile pieces of clothing to ever exist for college students. The days of struggling to figure out what you should wear each day are over. Plus, falling asleep at Main Stacks will be all the more enjoyable. If you’re worried what people may think of your seemingly odd clothing choice, don’t be. Classmates will worship your cleverness and strangers will envy your comfort. You’ll be the talk of the town, a trendsetter, and possibly the most snug student in all of UC Berkeley’s history. A hero and an enigma, all wrapped into one sleeping bag suit. There’s no losing here — except maybe $100 to pay for it. Sorry.
Let the shower do all the work.
Showers may be relaxing, but when you’re running late and need to rinse off that layer of grime from the night before, showering can really feel like work. Instead of you putting in the effort to shampoo, condition, rinse and repeat, just let the shower do the work. Your only job: stand there and let the water fall. No effort (or soap) required.
Go with the pencil-behind-the-ear look.
You’ll either appear to be a slob or a pretentious know-it-all, but who has time to worry about their image nowadays? A pencil is pretty much all you need when heading to class. No need for a backpack, books or even paper. You just have to be that annoying kid who asks other people for paper. A word of warning, though. Don’t ask to “borrow” a piece of paper — you never know if someone is going to be that person who takes your specific words to heart and actually snatches their precious notebook paper back from you once class is over.
Drink all your meals as smoothies.
You may have tried the Smoothie Challenge, but this is some next level stuff and not for the faint of heart. Nevertheless, chewing is overrated. Just think of the effort that it requires. Why use the muscles in your jaw when you can sip your meals through a straw like the low-maintenance person you are? Just be sure to always include the basic food groups in each and every meal/cup. Blend and enjoy.
Now, take the time and energy you’ve saved and use it for more important things. Like sleep. Or Netflix.
Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].